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07 August 2005 @ 02:37 am
in these dangerous hours  
I am okay.

I am okay.

I am okay.

I am okay.

I am okay.

I am okay.

How long do I have to keep on telling myself this before I will believe it?

Most of my journal is unhappy. I am so very sorry to subject everyone to long-winded entries on my seemingly never-ending woes. But I have to write it. I have to. I have no one here to tell these things to, no hug in which to find comfort, no connection I trust. Even if I did, my words would be stilted, mixed up, jumbled, childish. I am almost always thinking about more than one thing and the words for all thoughts run along in my head at a pace my mouth cannot match. It only makes sense when I write it. You all are unfortunate victims of a 104 WPM that far outstrips my handwriting.

I would love to share happy stories with you. I'm so afraid that the longer I feel like this, the more likely even this tenuous conection to humanity will leave me. I don't want you to go. I'm so afraid that if I die, it will be days before anyone notices. I'm so horribly lonely. I have been so lonely. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be able to see anyone ever again.

My boredom is a physical hurt. My loneliness is a physical hurt. Anguish is crushing and I'm so far gone right now I can't take it down, it keeps on coming back. I think I have it under my thumb and then it comes back. I run away. I attempt to laugh it off. It means nothing. People have it worse. I could be worse off. I'm so Goth. I'm so Emo. Hah. Hah. I feel like I don't deserve the air I breathe, but that's just funny! So Emo! Hah! Hah! I can't breathe, I'm shaking, I'm retching. I'm not happy. I'm not well. I'm ridiculous.

My mother reminded me that when I say "I'm trying," I usually fail. I'd forgotten. I made trying my goal. I forgot that there was something beyond that.

I am okay.

I am okay.

I am okay.

I am okay.
 
 
Current Mood: crappyinexplicably shitty
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
Michael Banu :): meltingm_banu on August 7th, 2005 02:40 pm (UTC)
On that note, here's a bit of an old Mr. Rogers song. :)

What if I were very, very sad
And all I did was smile?
I wonder after a while
What might become of my sadness?

What if I were very, very angry,
And all I did was sit
And never think about it?
What might become of my anger?

Where would they go, and what would they do
If I couldn't let them out?
Maybe I'd fall, maybe get sick . . . or doubt.

But what if I could know the truth
And say just how I feel?
I think I'd learn a lot that's real.
Lokiateeq on August 7th, 2005 03:05 pm (UTC)
You ok? Loneliness is ok... it just needs some getting used to. Don't do anything foolish because you feel lonely. Maybe you should join the pack (of wolves)? O_o;
One Who Wanders: dissatisfiedabiona on August 7th, 2005 04:23 pm (UTC)
I am an only child, I am an introvert. I am well accustomed to loneliness. Loneliness is okay in moderation, which is something my current situation has completely passed. Don't worry, I'm not about to kill myself, for I'm far too attached to life, a coward, and have a suspicion that even if I tried to end things, I'd fail. I'll just keep suffering.
Lokiateeq on August 7th, 2005 09:14 pm (UTC)
What does not kill you, makes you stronger. ^.-

Talk to me on AIM or something. o_O; We'll discuss fun topics like Conan the Barbarian's hawt bod, Arima, Sephiroth, Seymour, Seshomaru, and all the bishonens and what not. :P FFXI's becoming too painful for me to play nowadays. I just don't look forward to logging into it....
DarkWolfskyknight on August 9th, 2005 02:15 am (UTC)
join a pack of wolves?
hypertechiehypertechie on August 7th, 2005 03:09 pm (UTC)
i have felt much the same way at home this year
I miss all my quadmates and just the notion that there is always someone clase by to talk to or hug. There is no easy answer, but the best advice i can give you is to focas on your dreams, and the reason you are in pittsburg. continue to do what is enjoyable: play your video games, draw, stuff that makes you smile. also finding a job where you can work with people your own age helps too. even if you never become close friends with them, it is still people you can relate to and maybe get out of the house with once in awhile. Hope you feel better soon. If you listen to Mr. Rodgers, i am sure you will feel better in no time.
a w a k e s o o n: serenity - fight the moonlightawakesoon on August 7th, 2005 04:32 pm (UTC)
I know what you mean. The last few years (fuck, the last few WEEKS in particular), it seems like once I get my feet up under me, the rug gets ripped out again, and I hit the floor on already damaged knees.

You'll make it through; can't say when or where, but you will. Give me a call anytime. ^^ Waaa... do you have my number?
Emily: goddessetoileeyes on August 7th, 2005 08:03 pm (UTC)
**HUGS** Aww hun, I miss ya and I hope that your housemates who are on vacation will be home soon which will help and I hope that you keep chugging along, you will find something work wise that will make you happy... I'm still looking for that... you have my phone number I think... I hope you do. I'm home a lot and I always call people back. I wish I could take you with me to Otakon or something, but financially that's impossible right now... You know that we'd all miss you if something were to happen to you. You always make me smile hun and I know there are others out there whom you make smile too!! hope this helps hun!!
(Deleted comment)
Auturgist: Me pensive pondering thinkingauturgist on August 8th, 2005 06:08 am (UTC)
For what it's worth coming from me, I can empathize with 95% of everything you just said -- the 5%, rough estimate, being your WPM... much faster than mine. Boredom and lonliness are the shock and awe of a total devastation of the human spirit. They make war of waking up, and hell of the hours until next you sleep. My friend Paul and I will occasionally tell, "I wish I were dead." I think it's half-truth for us both. = /
DarkWolfskyknight on August 9th, 2005 02:14 am (UTC)
loneliness sadness depression frustration till the point your completly exhausted with your life i know what you speak of and i wsih i could help you deal with it and you know i will do the best i can....find what comfort you can and learn to turn to your friends im around as much as i can be and i know others feel the same way.....you dont stand alone and until you can have that companionship phsyically know that you have it spiritually.......
Lokiateeq on August 23rd, 2005 10:21 pm (UTC)
So, like... where are you? O_o;

Haven't seen you around in FFXI. I wanted to say, it's been fun, gnawing-Hume-lass. Maybe we'll meet up at some ani-con somewhere... maybe... except... I hate sunlight! *hiss*

Ja ne. Ittekimasu.