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21 December 2001 @ 10:35 pm
 
I want to be well-known for something on the Internet, or specifically well-known within the cache of anime fans that use the Internet as their medium. I've already settled that fanart/art/whatever isn't the way for me to go in order to achieve that goal. It seems that in order to succeed in that category, you must be at least one of three things - pretty damn good, mildly original, or pretty bad but popular.

I'm not pretty damn good. I'm better than most and I'm improving slowly, but it's not enough to make an impression on folks. I'm either too original or not original enough, and it seems as though I cannot mesh with what "the people" want. So I don't CG, ok? People don't want to see skill with pencil, unless it's in the cell-style shading that's favored by CG artists, and what the hell does that do but defeat the blending capabilities of the pencil? And I'm not pretty bad. I'm not popular either, so essentially I've sunk before I've begun. Crud ... I'm getting myself into the same funk with ADKOE404 that killed Syrieh's Place. People don't come because I don't update, but I don't update because people don't come. Nice cycle, don't you agree?

So I turn now to my final hope, fanfiction and reviews. People tell me that I'm a good writer, and I've won some small awards before. But ... argh. I don't know. I just can't put out crappy fanfic, and it takes me forever to write fanfics ... at least, "forever" in the Online Time Zone sense. People will have switched loves and identities thrice over before I finish one of my epics that I've planned in my mind. And reviews ... there are so many out there already ... not like there weren't a lot of fanart/fanfic sites before. What to do? ::sigh::

So it's a silly hope of mine, wanting to go to an anime conference and have people recognize me by my work. "Oh, she wrote [insert fic title here]!" "Oh, she runs [insert site name here]!" Maybe cosplay? lol, but I'd have to get in shape first. -_-; For that, I'd have to convince my roommate or somebody to sign up for something at the fitness center with me when I get back to school ... odd thing is, is that despite how unsatisfied I am with the way I look right now, I'm too lazy and too afraid of encountering people to go out on my own and take care of it. I need moral support and backup. -_-; I wonder if my roommate would do something like that. No, probably not.

That's another thing that bugs me about being "slender" compared to some folks. If you express concern about your weight or figure, people laugh at you and tell you not to worry about it. Well, guess what. You are worrying about it, and laughing or denying that you are isn't going to help a damn thing, now is it?

::sigh::
 
 
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Current Music: ... "Suna-nu-Hoshi," Trigun