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04 August 2006 @ 10:04 pm
grand mal bitch  
The more I think of Second City, the more I wish to go. It seems every time I turn around, Second City is there. Has it always been this way, and have I just become more sensitive to it? There's a flight departing for Second City, I'll meet an old woman who lives in Second City, someone has scribbled the name on a metal beam near the Huge Pigeon grocery store. Each time I take the train back to the Hoosierland, I am deeply aware of the cities through which the cars have passed to reach me, and I feel vaguely out of sorts when I consider that my destination is the exact opposite of my desired direction. When I return to New City, I find myself wishing to stay on the train for just a little while longer, for I know where it goes.

But not all my motives are positive.

I am running because my introversion is still the master of me. Though I have overcome the phase where I felt that books were much better companions than any human being could ever be, I have not yet shed either my emotional loner habits or my illogical social anxieties. It is very likely impossible to remove all my reclusive traits, but I would like to eliminate or reduce the "avoidance" aspect.

I still find it easiest to meet people and make friends if I have a pre-existing social connection or an iron-clad excuse that no amount of fear can dismantle. Should this environment not exist, my tendency is to retreat into imagination and gaming, for loneliness is closer to my comfort zone than strangers are. My solitary lifestyle is clearly self-inflicted, and no one can solve the problem for me. I do not expect or want anyone to ever attempt to do so. I hope to leave because I want to protect myself from myself ... embarrassingly, in the easiest way possible. I am afraid that spending so much time alone is accentuating my peculiarities with the ultimate consequence of rendering me unfit for human company, and I don't know when I will overcome introversion well enough to escape that fate ... and so I flee.

This only buys time, and I know I will carry my demons with me when I go. I am aware that leaving New City will neither remove them nor change them. All I alter is the battlefield! But does effort to overcome this exclude support from outside sources? Is it weakness to wish to be near those who are far away when I have made no attempt to know people near me?
 
 
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