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28 August 2002 @ 11:18 am
 
Today and yesterday have been ridiculously beautiful days here, at least as far as the weather goes. The sun's shining, it is neither too hot nor too cold, there's a nice breeze faithfully blowing, and the sky is as blue and as cloudless as a sky can get. The trees still have their leaves, and the red-brick campus is clean and strewn with people.

But today, I've felt like I'm having trouble breathing properly, as though something constricts my lungs and prevents me from fully expanding them with air. I feel constantly rather breathless, and I don't know why. I wonder if its because I'm consistently taking my medication now, instead of a few days on, a few days off, whenever I remembered, etc. Spring semester, when I first started taking it, I felt like my heart was fluttering in my chest sometimes.

I haven't been sleeping well since I've gotten back. I keep on waking up over and over and over again, and it takes me forever to get back to sleep. I'm usually lying there awake when my alarm clock goes off, and I don't feel rested in the mornings when I get up. I just noticed the other day that there are these cuts on the inside of my upper lip, and I probably got them during my sleep, biting.

I had a weird, long dream last night, but I only remember a single scene of it. I knew Vash the Stampede (and was somehow emotionally connected to him), and for some reason, I was lashing out in anger and pain, using some sort of telekinesis to fling him into a concrete wall over and over and over again. Finally he fell down on his back, and I tried to walk away ... but I couldn't. I looked back at him lying there, and I went over to him ... I remember putting my arm under his shoulders and lifing him up as he opened his eyes, and I wrapped my arms around his head and held him close to me, while after a moment he put his free arm around my waist. All I could say, over and over again, was "Oh, God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I've been feeling vaguely dissatisfied with people recently. Just yesterday at dinner, Terry suddenly (and under his own steam) brought up a speech I had given last year during my seminar class. He then mentioned that one of his friends who had been in my seminar class hadn't liked it at all, and he wouldn't tell me the name no matter how I asked him. Sarah then spoke up, and told me that Carolyn had been eating lunch with her and Terry the other day, when Sarah mentioned me in an off-hand manner, saying that I was probably coming to dinner. Carolyn made a "nasty face," and Sarah asked why she had that expression. Carolyn responded something to the fact that I had given a horribly offensive speech about how introverted people were better than everyone else, and that she didn't like me "very much."

This bothers me because this speech occurred so long ago, almost a year ago. Why is it that she chooses to remember this? It bothers me, because why is this the only and the first thing she associates with me? Worse still, her interpretation of my speech is nothing close to what it actually is, and what it was asking for. The basic gist of it was that introverted people operate in a different (not a "better" or "worse") manner, and sometimes they would just prefer to be left alone - typical methods for "involving" the introverted student rarely accomplish their goals and are a waste of time and energy for both sides (greeting games, dances, pep assemblies, etc.). And finally, it bothers me because she never once acted in class or any other time that I encountered her like she hated me, or my work. She was always smiling.

So I guess I made two enemies last year, one without ever knowing.

My roommate listens to an awful lot of pop music, and the music itself is beginning to get on my nerves. I can handle pop, just in small doses. It seems that whenever she comes in, she turns on the radio ... once even though I was playing music on my computer. [Edit - she just did it again.] She was playing it this morning, before eight o'clock!

We need to rearrange the room. I like the way "my side" works for me, but since she rearranged her half, I don't like how the room as a whole looks so much any more. I must be crazily picky. -_-

I have the hiccups.

As far as classes go, I think my Computer Art/Design Orientation class will be the most challenging. I'm kind of disappointed with the way the Non-Western Art History class is turning out (basically a lot of book reports), but I guess I'll just have to deal. I'm kind of annoyed because she assigned the book/culture you got and thus the date you went by where you were sitting, and guess who gets to go first? Me! So that's what I'll be working on this weekend. I'm also kind of annoyed because I would have really preferred to work on any of the Japanese sections (lol) since I am most interested in that part of the world, but since we're starting with Africa, I get Benin art ... ah well. "Life is what you make of it, make the best of it," says Garrison Keillor.

I may or may not be returning to the FFRPG. If Fairybane makes any comment about me going back on my decisions, I'm just going to say "So I'm back. Deal."

Erik is not returning to school this year, which makes me sad. Apparently he's going to be doing some internship in Russia, and I imagine that'll make him happy ... he's been to Russia before, and he really loved the time he spent there ... but I will miss meeting him every day, and trying to get to his recitals.

I have homework that I probably should do. But I am the same old me, and so I will wait awhile longer.
 
 
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Hirokazu Ando - Fountain of Dreams
 
 
 
Leohartleohart8383 on August 28th, 2002 09:06 pm (UTC)
Stay Strong
I know how you feel about missing getting together with some people every day. God.. It's almost depressing here b/c there's really nobody here. I haven't made any friends at school yet except maybe some geeky boy (he smells funny.. o_O) that I worked with in lab today. I wish I was your roomie! I want to come back! ::sob::