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29 August 2002 @ 06:00 pm
 
I've been taking my meds each day, but just now I came to the realization (again?) that I just don't feel any better. I'm feeling pretty damn lousy right now, in fact.



I hate the way we just exist in the same room. I hate the way I think that she's just tolerating my presence because we were thrown in the same room together, and she likes the room itself (not me) enough not to leave it. We're not friends, we're not enemies, we simply sit there and don't say much to each other. What could we say? I wish she could talk to me about something that I could relate to. I'm sorry, I don't have a boyfriend to miss. I haven't had a best friend in years. I don't miss home. I can't discuss the latest issues of Cosmopolitan and MTV eventually annoys the hell out of me. She doesn't watch anime. She doesn't really touch video games. She's got a lot of friends, and few worries. She shops frequently. She buys belts. I haven't gotten a new unnecessary item of clothing that I can recall in about a year or more. I don't own a single belt. Very few of my clothes are tight-fitting, and all of hers hug every curve that she possesses. She has a better figure than I do. Every phone call is for her. I believe my father called once for me, and that's been it.

I know this is such a small, trivial thing, but it really bugs me when I'm playing music on my computer, and she turns on her radio so loudly, or when I'm playing a video game with music that I love, and she turns on the radio so loudly again. April Lavigne annoys me. That idiotic piece of shit that has the lyrics "It's getting hot in here/So take off all your clothes" just pushes all the wrong buttons, especially when it's played so damn often on every damn station because dammit, people have no taste. The radio stations themselves irritate the bejeezus out of me. I don't want to listen to their music or to the news. I can't study when she's playing her music. I have to leave. Not like I've been doing a whole damn lot of it, but I have been doing some.

I didn't sleep well again last night, and my pillow is quite deformed right now because of the pressure I was applying to it in my sleep. I don't know why. I bent my longest nail backwards today, and I'm remembering that I'm just going to have to cut the damn things now if I ever expect to use charcoals and pastels without injuring myself.

The more I think about it, the more I'm disappointed with the way Non-Western Art History is being taught. Basically when we are introduced to a new "unit" she will give a lecture lasting one (occasionally two) class periods. The rest of that "unit" will be students acting as "resident experts" on these books/cultures that we were assigned. I'm really disappointed that I didn't get any of the Japanese culture sections, because dammit, I don't trust the rest of the class to do a good job. -_- We're college students!

People, will you stop telling me to date somebody already!? Dating is (at the very least) a two-person activity, and wow, would you look at that, there seems to be no one wanting to consider such a use of time with me. I'm already well aware that I am not dating anyone, and have never dated anyone. So stop reminding me.

I feel so ugly.

 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: "One Winged Angel," FFVII
 
 
 
Silvermasksilvermask on August 29th, 2002 05:03 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
I should say something else... I'm working on that part ^^;
Diminuendo Arpeggioamir03 on August 29th, 2002 05:21 pm (UTC)
Being a "social success" doesn't make you a better person, and you know that. It sounds like you were two very different people - you, a profound, talented, and charming girl of rare intellect and she, (from how you have described her) a frivolous and selfish popular culture clone. From such a perspective, is it worth contrasting between the two of you (and so one-sidedly, at that?)

And worry not about dating. I'm sure you will find someone good, with as much character as yourself - someone who is deserving of your unaging virtues which may bloom and be cherished throughout life, rather than youth, in its entirety.

I hope you feel better, sweetie. Realize your own precious gifts.

Kokoryta: annoyedkokoryta on August 29th, 2002 07:13 pm (UTC)
@_@
I can relate to your dislike for that song >_< I had to listen to that and all other forms of rap, regge and other not so good music, not that I have a problem with it in small dose but there is only so sany times I can listen to one song in an hour >_<.

And what's worst was the little 5 years olds singing and dancing like 17 years olds...
Look at Me, I'm a Winner!shippo on August 29th, 2002 07:15 pm (UTC)
I think amir03 put it best: you're a creative, intelligent, and an interesting person. She seems like just another pop-culture clone; no different from the rest of them.

I had the exact same problem my freshman year. My roomate was an annoying pop-culture automaton, and did the exact same thing that your roomate does. He listened to lousy music, and insisted on playing his music loudly. He had lots of annoying friends, and they would always watch pornography when I was away watching anime on Monday nights. I hated him, and he didn't like me, either. We had absolutely nothing in common.

You're not ugly, either.
Elizabethtsukitty on August 29th, 2002 07:54 pm (UTC)
Awwww! There, there. This is probably just early semester tension. Don't let it get ya down. I'm sure at some point you guys will find that perfect thing that will open the friendship door for both of you. But for right now just keep an open mind and things will work themselves out eventually. I remember you saying in an LJ entry a while back about how much you've learned from Anime regarding friendship and adversity. Nows the time to put these lessons to use ^^ I know you can do it cause we all like you lots and I'm sure you're not that much different in real life. At least you have the chance to make new friends and be around people your age. If you were like me and stuck around adults for a whole year without anyone your age to hang out with then you would see the positives in your situation more so then the negative. But if this rambling is all in vain because this was just a little passing mood then just discard this comment ^^
Leohartleohart8383 on August 29th, 2002 10:03 pm (UTC)
Don't let it get you down..
Your entry brought me to tears..

God.. You have a roomie.. Do you know how lonely it is, thinking that you could be out there, sharing information with someone every night that you're feeling great or down or nothing. I share a lot with my mom and quite a bit with my sister but I really miss being around you. If I was a guy, I'd go out with you! I'd be lined up! ^_^
I've been looking for our sheet/card-thing that has our number-well, your number, on it.. Can't seem to find it ANYWHERE!

You have people-especially visible here-that are your friends and care about you.. I miss you. I consider you my best friend. You're a really great person. You're fun and interesting to talk to, you've shown me a new and different culture and interests, you've shown me that geeks (especially the ones that I always seem to befriend) aren't all smelly, ugly "geeks". You're pretty, intelligent and you have a wonderful body. So what if you're not artificial and wearing clothes that fit too tightly/very snugly, stupid belts, hats, lots of make-up, etc... That's great. I've been spending my life (whatever you make of it) desiring and hoping and trying to be one of "them".

You're brilliant-even when you don't put the effort in. You've got a very interesting and mind-blowing point of view that brings people to think about things other than popularity contests, beauty and "clear skin, clear skin and clear skin" (stupid commercial that just came on). God, Anne, you're great.

Please don't look down upon yourself. I'm looking down on myself enough for the both of us.

Oh, and.. You don't have to be friends with your roomie.. Just be open to telling her what bothers you. Like you did me. ^_^

I MISS YOU!
One Who Wanders: tiredabiona on August 30th, 2002 08:04 am (UTC)
Re: Don't let it get you down..
I remember the numbers 3736 ... do you remember the area code and all that? Can't wait for you to come visit ... also, the Pocky will definitely be happy because otherwise it will get eaten by me sooner or later.

I'm not telling my roommate that you're coming. Just show up.

Nothing much to say right now ... not in quite as bad a mood as yesterday, but not feeling entirely pleasant either. ^_^; Kind of tired.
Kain aka That Evil Guynanikore on August 29th, 2002 10:11 pm (UTC)
The music scene has crashed straight into hell since the late 90s. I really don't think there's any more "good" music to speak of.

I offer my condonences on your roomate situation. Most of my college career I had a super-single room. The only 2 roomies I've ever had were worse off than me because they had to put up with ME and not the other way around... I did quite a bit of growing up the past coupla years I think.
Giang (yang): Opal Starracometeoraine on August 29th, 2002 10:54 pm (UTC)
I understand how you feel. And that stupid song is one of the songs I really despise, talk about bad lyrics. In my view, you should tell her what's bothering you, a negotiation? And if she doesn't respect your needs, then I think you'll be better off with another roommate, given that you are able to still find another to room with. And it's the small and trivial things that adds up to a huge problem. I agree with what others had said based on the short time that I know you. You are a very inteligent, beautiful inside if not outside, and I think that anyone who are with you will be very lucky. You are a wonderful person, and if no one sees that in you and appreciate you for it, then I don't think they deserve your attention. Best of luck.
Diminuendo Arpeggioamir03 on August 30th, 2002 07:13 am (UTC)
You need some Opeth, Dimmu Borgir, Emperor, My Dying Bride, and Ebony Tears. I'll save you from my sister's music (Lavigne) yet.
odheirreodheirre on August 30th, 2002 08:35 am (UTC)
Sad to hear - roommate problems are annoying, to say the least. I ended up switching roommates my first semester because, well, we weren't that good a match. Could you have a talk with her - maybe there is someone who is rooming with one of her friends and that person is going through the same thing as you? I mean, college roommates aren't necessarily friends, but they do talk and hopefully have *something* in common.

Barring that, you can talk with her about music levels, invest in a good set of headphones, or play speaker wars.

And, yeah, I think professors have students teach classes because they want to make things more interesting. All you can do is ask questions to the student-teachers, and hope that the professor is going to step in if the students don't do their job