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04 September 2002 @ 09:23 pm
Rest in peace, 6B. You're the first pencil I've snapped in half, ever.  
But then ... I've always been like this, from when I was very little. I was always moving, had "happy feet" that never stopped dancing and loved hard floors and clicky shoes, was always playing dressup, or could be found doing something peculiar which was entirely of my own devising. Sometimes "singing," sometimes pretending, I was never still. Is this nervous energy that my drawings always seem to possess something that has been a part of me for many years? But if that's the case ... why can't I really harness the extra energy that's being used to do something else? Why can't I use it, why can't I get at it? Is it because it has become surrounded by negative walls that I can't seem to get around?

Conflicts inherent in the heart. I want to be perfect, but I do not want to be stagnant. I want to be beautiful and respected, but I do not want to be labeled solely by the phrases, images, and stereotypes of others, many of whom I feel that I cannot respect in return. I want to be loved, but it is difficult for me to demonstrate positive emotion to others. As they say in Evangelion, one who hates him/herself cannot love others, cannot place trust in others. I don't know if I hate myself, but I cannot find my value, my worth, to myself.

When did I start grinding my teeth in my sleep? When did I start grinding my teeth so forcefully, I chipped them?

I feel more comfortable with my bag and my portfolio slung over my shoulder though I should not let one shoulder bear such a heavy weight, because when that weight is there, when I hold the strap as I walk ... I feel like I have a place to go, a place in which I belong, somehow. I would hold my bag to my heart, because I feel as though it gives me stability.

The clapping tree. Cheezitmaiden. You missed the details of your surroundings when you could not wear your glasses. How fortunate it is that you live in this time, and not during a period when glasses were a total social stigma, and furthermore in an era where glasses were impossible to obtain.
 
 
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