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13 September 2002 @ 11:24 am
 
"No, I'm gonna write it in Swahili, and you better damn well translate it!" - Ryan

He's right, I did only ask for filenames written legibily. I did not specify what language I would prefer them in. XD

I have to wonder why I'm doing this ... am I still here although I've barely begun, out of guilt? There is no one that I know of who can take my place. Why did I volunteer for this position in the first place though I do not really give a damn about the paper ...? Because it was something I could do ... because I wanted to feel valued. But I'm clearly not putting their paper together for either my health or my sanity, and I really don't enjoy working with Pagemaker that much anymore. I apparently get paid per issue from the advertising revenue, but I don't know how much or how regularly. I can see that everyone else getting their stuff in late will push me up against my own deadlines, since this paper calls things very closely. I realize that many articles must come in late, due to the very nature of the story that they cover (sports, for example), but having so many missing until the last minute will stress me out. It is difficult to lay things out when you don't have everything.

They're honestly nice people this time around. I'm afraid to say things because they are so good-natured, and when they're not done with their own stuff on time, it is not because they forgot or thought it unimportant. They're the folks who hang out for hours over there, typing up all the different stories that they volunteered to write and that they wound up having to write because other people flaked. Their dedication alone makes me feel somewhat of a bad person, because this paper doesn't mean that much to me. I will do my job to the best of my ability, but ... it doesn't have my heart.

Another subject ...

Gesture drawing is very difficult for me, and I think I'm going to have to apply a lot of thought and practice into "getting it." Professor Salmi is right ... by letting go of control, there is freedom in it, an ability to truthfully describe the body's mass and weight. Fully grasping this technique will enhance my drawing abilities elsewhere. By deconstructing, you can reconstruct, and by experiencing the freedom, I will gain a greater control over what I can do and what my eye sees.

It's just very difficult for me ... because control is a massive personal issue for me, and my perfectionism is still strong in my mind. He noted the other day my skills with contour drawing, and I think part of the reason that I am decent at it is because to me, contour drawing is freedom. It took me a long while and many thoughts of "I must continue" to overcome my perfectionism, and it's the free-est I've ever been, while at the same time it gave me a confidence, an ability to think that "yes, I do belong here." So in order to gain that greater freedom ... that sense of belonging ... I must face this challenge again. I must overcome my fear of loss of control, must overcome the habits of my hands.

I need chocolate.
 
 
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