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20 October 2002 @ 12:50 am
 
I have a crush on a trombonist at school. I think I must be doomed. XP

I have a horrible amount of homework to do tomorrow and Monday. My midterms have arisen from the dead and they want to be taken in! I knew it! I am doomed. XP

For some reason, being at "home" is just not conducive to writing entries (it wasn't all that great for writing RPG stuffages, either. Strange ...). "Home" in this case refers to the house in which my parents live, though my usual definition of "home" seems to be "wherever I am not." Fortunately, I am returning back to school tomorrow ... we're leaving bright and early at seven. (Or so things have been planned. Why am I still up at 12:42? Because I've got a rant, goddammit, and I'm going to get it out come hell or high water!)

amir03: Squash cannot defend themselves, so if they're caught separated from the pack, it's over!

On that completely unrelated note, welcome, zuggy. ^_^ I'm glad you found me interesting enough to friend!

So yes, onto the rant and related random subjects. Tonight we went to a concert for a symphony who likes to think that they're something big, an oasis of high culture in an endless sea of football-playing rednecks. Although their ego is larger and more unaware of their reality than it really needs to be, I enjoyed myself ... I really do get a kick out of Star Wars music, and it always makes me feel warmly nostalgic (although I was not alive to see its initial release in theatres). (I recommend Duel of the Fates with a chorus over a purely instrumental version, though.) I spent most of the concert drawing, actually - attempting to doodle the "orchestra personnel," spending in particular time on the tympani dude for no good reason whatsoever. I've come up with a new outfit for Abiona, I believe, resembling Vai's character designs ... I assume they haven't changed much. Given that she's been wearing the same gear since she arrived on Kinzoku (being pursued endlessly doesn't allow you great wardrobe flexibility), it's all probably pretty battered and ragged by now ... something which I don't think either she or Vai would be comfortable with. XP

Pre-concert Entertainment -
Sakaki - ::spots a major typo in the season program:: Ouch ...
Mother - ::looks over, sees it:: .... Ouch.

Somewhere, some copy editor is kicking their own rear somehow, right now. I know how it goes, I think ... even if the rest of the program is perfect, you always are aware of that one typo that slipped right on by no matter how many times you proofed the deal.

I have Metropolis now! But surprise, surprise, I haven't watched it. -_- (This, clearly, had nothing to do with the rant on hand, and was an entirely separate outburst.)

While at the concert this evening, we ran into an elderly gentleman with whom we've had many dealings with in the past. Many of you know that I used to be highly active in choirs, and shortly prior to my quitting, he had heard me sing at a Christmas performance where he volunteered at the time. He's proud of his ability to give people "a start," so to speak, so he immediately got me several free gigs to spread my name around the area, and assured me that the next year, I would be paid for everything I did. This was all fine and well, he had a good heart ... but these came after I quit choir, when I felt that my voice was falling apart at the seams, and I could not bear to hear it.

After a final performance with the alumni band that he plays in, where I sang "Powder Your Face With Sunshine" and "Memory" ... I vanished. And now we encountered him again after so many years ... he wanted to know, of course, if I was still singing. I told him no, I was an art major now ... and immediately, you could just feel the disappointment oozing from him. My mother began talking immediately about how she was working on it; hoped that I could make my living from art, and that singing would be my passion. (Art is one of my passions, dammit!)

"You had a lot of talent." "You were good."

Worst of all, "I had a lot of faith in you."

So if I'm not making use of this voice that is within me, I am no longer worth placing faith in? That I am not currently singing is reason to think less of my value?

I hate hearing that I disappointed people. I hate decay. I hate unrealized potential, of which I already realize that I am darn-tootin' full of. That's what I was, as a singer, that's all I could ever be with the issues I had at the time. Am I different now? Yes.

I also find it annoying that my mother used the phrase "working on it," when things that have been done in order to resume singing recently have been of my own thinking, my own actions. She has not led me to miss singing, nor was she the one who led me to set up an appointment with the Dean of Fine Arts the other day, since he is in control of voice lessons, choirs, and knows my former voice teacher. These have been my decisons.

I've felt this urge lately to find Greg, the guy who was my partner in show choir for the first half of my freshman year. Due to a lot of complicated issues, he dropped out of school entirely before the second semester got into full swing ... something which saddened me then and now, because he had a most ... wonderful voice, and he was very, very intelligent. If you ever mention dropping out of school to me and I become very antsy or try to talk you out of it, the reason for it is this - when he left school, it seemed like Greg dropped off the face of the planet. I lost all contact with him ... I must not have been very important to him, or life prevented him from ever speaking with me again.

I missed him, because he made that choir (which was hellish, even that early) bearable. I felt guilty, because at the time I hadn't known why he was gone so damn often, and I had often bitched and ranted about it later. If he had only told me? But why should he have ...?

Anyway, the reason why I bring this up is because he once told me that I took myself too seriously. At the time, I was offended ... but now, I know that he's right. I still take myself too seriously, but I think I've become a better person than who I was, five and a half years ago. I want him to see that.

But I don't know where he is. The last time I saw him was when I caught him waiting on tables at a Steak and Shake, October of my sophomore year. I've never encountered him since.
 
 
Current Mood: bitter
Current Music: Nightwish - Bare Grace Misery
 
 
 
HEADCLEANER: Holding My Thoughts in My Heartantitype on October 19th, 2002 10:55 pm (UTC)
Metropolis is good. ^^ Let me know what you think once you watch it.

Have you finished FFIX yet? :O
One Who Wanders: gamer grinabiona on October 20th, 2002 03:34 pm (UTC)
No, I'm still working on it ... ^_^;
Diminuendo Arpeggio: neutralamir03 on October 20th, 2002 08:12 pm (UTC)
Artist AND singer? *Melts* ^.^ Hehe.