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04 January 2003 @ 03:06 am
"her perceptions have become distorted"  
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Am I like Arima in that little seems to reach my emotions? I often find it difficult to locate a tangible object or subject which interests me on an emotional level. If I select items for a still life for technical, skill-challenging considerations only, I am wont to pick many objects that I simply don't give a damn about (until I get bored, whereupon I get wackily dangerous ...*). When I seek things that draw me in, I cannot find them in the drawing room.

What does interest me? Sometimes it seems that only vast abstract ideals captivate my hidden passions - "beauty," "perception," "wisdom," "decay." How the hell do I create a "realistic fiction" with my work which can depict and communicate my emotional response ...? How do I do it with bottles and baskets, fabric scraps and mannequin limbs? Give me time, give me a camera, give me a Victorian house which has been chopped up into seven apartments. Give me urban decay, let me speak with Gao Xingjian.

I don't know where to begin ... sometimes I work through my anxiety and begin anyway, because what else can I do? What feels worse is that often, I do not know when to stop. When do I stop working on this section of the painting? When do I take a break? Is this a time where I should force myself on? Just how badly am I screwing up until somebody comes along and halts me?

Is this what I am supposed to be doing? I am told that I should go as far as I can, and that it is the teacher's responsibility to pull me back from the cliff's edge. But still ... it causes me uncertainty. We have so little time, and in my heart, I will never shake the feeling that so much rides on this. If I do not achieve what is necessary on this one little thing ... I worry that so much more will fall out of whack.

Nairohe unintentionally reminded me of this, the phoenix I made in Illustrator (the phoenix almost looks cooler in black and white only ...). I got a 90 on it ... I suppose that's very high, considering his grading scale. Still ... I feel like these "trivial" things are eating at me whenever I think about them, which is more often than I probably should.

...

When he asked if I had ever been comfortable with any medium, I acted like I was thinking, and then said "no." But that's a lie, I mouthed in my mind as my lips spoke otherwise. I have been comfortable with things in the past ... but sometimes being "comfortable" has proved in the end to be detrimental.

Why couldn't I answer him truthfully? I don't know. I am thwarting already limited interactions due to my evasive untruths in regards to anything I consider "personal." A tightness appears in my chest as I wish to run - it is hard enough to deal with these issues on my own, let alone with comparative strangers.

Though it is a negative, self-preserving habit, I don't think its existence makes me a bad person. Why ... because that's simply the way it is. I am not a bad person. It is in my nature to be cruel, selfish, and reclusive ... but "bad," "evil" ... this is not truly a part of me.

I have said it more than once ... everything can be interpreted negatively. But can everything be interpreted positively? Certainly, it must be so. It seems to take much more effort, however .. it requires a suspension of disbelief which many (myself included) find hard to give. Part of me says that it also needs the effort "to make it seem believable," but that is the side of me which seeks approval from others.

All these years ... and I still can't stop comparing myself to others. Though I have matured and mellowed out somewhat in terms of "how I go about it," I have yet to shake the habit.



*Tools become dinosaurs, and I seriously contemplate doing paintings of Miss Piggy's bodyless head enshrined in a brown pot.
 
 
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: Winds - Premonition
 
 
 
Giang (yang): Garnetcometeoraine on January 4th, 2003 10:14 am (UTC)
I don't understand how you get just a "90" on your phoenix, it is a very beautiful piece.
One Who Wanders: explosiveabiona on January 4th, 2003 03:14 pm (UTC)
Because he is evil. XP
HEADCLEANER: Burnantitype on January 4th, 2003 10:45 am (UTC)
Am I like Arima in that little seems to reach my emotions?

Everything seems to affect me emotionally. Everything I do and say seems to be influenced by my emotional response... Sometimes I wish I could just shut that off and function like a robot or something... I would probably accomplish much more.

I am not a bad person. It is in my nature to be cruel, selfish, and reclusive ... but "bad," "evil" ... this is not truly a part of me.

Well, according to certain sects, human beings are sinful and wicked by nature. ::Shrug.:: Just a thought.

All these years ... and I still can't stop comparing myself to others.

Oh, I always do, too. I don't think it's something that goes away as we get older. Some people probably do it right up until the moment they die. People who don't probably just don't care. I don't know if there's necessarily anything wrong with it... It might help us to improve ourselves. Though it may also lead to self-loathing and lack of self-confidence, which I know I am guilty of...
One Who Wanders: thoughtfulabiona on January 4th, 2003 03:13 pm (UTC)
Whether you could accomplish more or not depends on what you're going for. I couldn't accomplish more art or learn more about the intangibles of art if I were to become a robot ... I need every emotion and every perception, no matter how warped or painful.

I know that certain groups consider human beings evil by nature, and some groups view us as beings that have sinned by merely being born. I have never agreed with these concepts, one reason why I didn't mesh very well with some of the more rigid, "repent!" churches that my family attended a few times. XP I'm not sure if I want to get into why I don't agree or not ... probably not. I should, but I need to go to a meeting soon, so I don't have the time on hand at the moment. XP Simply put, I do not repent for existing, or for being born (the latter of which I had no control over, nor was I "I" at the time - infants have no concept of either "sin" or "self" ... such a thing is taught to them by the culture in which they live).

...

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with comparing myself to other individuals - however, for me, the amount is excessive and the weight I place on the judgements I derive from those comparisons is far too heavy. This is what I wish to stop doing - not to stop entirely, but to regain healthy levels.
Earthearthphoenix on January 4th, 2003 07:13 pm (UTC)
YAY!!! The immortal phoenix! You get an A+++++ ^.^;

As for all your deep and important issues at hand ... er ... hell if I know anything! *hugs*

*continues to run around quite "mad" in the world*

peace
SD: Shockedsado_nishi on January 4th, 2003 10:16 pm (UTC)
Holy shit. That phoenix looked like it took a damn long time. And it's very nice. We didn't use Illustrator in school, but we used FreeHand, which is pretty much just like Illustrator. I've never had to do anything that intricate! But I know how tough it is to make it that good, and fucking hell... you should've gotten a 100.
Diminuendo Arpeggio: neutralamir03 on January 6th, 2003 12:12 pm (UTC)
but "bad," "evil" ... this is not truly a part of me.

I have said it more than once ... everything can be interpreted negatively. But can everything be interpreted positively? Certainly, it must be so.


A contradiction. "Evil" is not so relative, for the scopes of our lives, but "bad," most certainly, yes. You've called yourself a relativist before, I do believe, yet yoru ponderance of this issue pushes this characterization into the haze.

And if it means anything to you, I don't think you're a "bad" person at all.

It is not my belief that ceasing to compare oneself to others is entirely conducive to advancement in skills and as a good person. Understanding where such comparison is appropriate, acceptance of imperfection, and consciousness of limits; are paramount to setting real, "tangible" goals, according to me. Of course, I could be completely wrong. =P
One Who Wanders: confusedabiona on January 6th, 2003 02:57 pm (UTC)
I am aware that those are relative terms. ^^; Notice I put them in quotation marks. o_O I do not believe that I have gone so far as to push my reputation as a relativist into some sort of murky world. Furthermore, I am not "a relativist, and that's that." No perfection here. I'm constantly learning, adjusting, changing.