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15 October 2003 @ 11:42 pm
Margh!  

I'm doing this all to myself, and I've finally just realized it.

I can actually feel the tension within me, taut muscle. This past weekend has been the first that I've truly recognized this unnatural state of subconscious anxiety. Before, I placed too much emphasis on what or what not I was eating, blaming everything on outside circumstances. But now, when I merely sit down, I am aware of the strain drawing everything inward; I can sense everything from my ribcage down drawing inward on itself, knotting together. Food only exacerbates this unsettled, stressed condition ... it is not the cause of my perpetual nausea.

Why am I so tense? I have come to the conclusion that my current lifestyle is not very in-tune with my inner nature, which is essentially that of an independent homebody (though "home," I guess, varies). I like doing my own thing when I feel it needs to be done; my regimented schedule does not permit that sort of freedom. I like taking my time; right now there is no time to be had. I like simplicity, but in my bouts of depression I entangled myself within a web of responsibility because if I was constantly doing, I did not have to think. This has built upon years of sucking the stress right on in, and now I'm in a fine state.

...

They labor under the delusion that people actually show up. I labor under the delusion that one should do work in order to deserve one's paycheck; I have not been turning in my tutoring timesheets because I feel 1.) guilty, and 2.) lazy ... a.k.a. totally unmotivated to walk all of the block or two to the office. I'm such a dork.

Health Services scheduled a second appointment for me tomorrow, to evaluate a week's worth of medicine. BUT, slight complication! I only got the prescriptions today!

Also in today's news, I "Chalked the Walk," and was one of three winners. The club's reputation as some sort of chalk-powerhouse has been defended, my ego has been thusly stroked, and I sit here kicking myself for being arrogant. I've realized that when I do stuff like this, I become very possessive - I can do it on my own thankyouverymuch, this is a representation of the skill I've developed, I don't want your work being confused with my own, I think you're of lesser skill. I never state it out loud, but I tend to shift people over to "support" duties ... you can do the lettering. Want to get me something to eat? What an ass I am! It sickens me because this sort of grabby superior behavior reminds me of Marcia Laverne Whitaker. (Yes, I did write that, and no, it will probably never be finished.)

Apparently, some organizations decided not to participate because I was chalking the walk for Dimensions (my club), and "I always win." Yes, it was flattering to hear about, but I still think that it was an incredibly stupid decision on their part. They've only seen me in action one year - how can I "always" win? Furthermore, winning should not be the point of this. I'm not going to deny that smothering other organizations into artistic chalk dust isn't a part of the drive, but just go out there and crawl over your drawing like a monkey as I do! We're all idiots, let's doodle and have fun with it!
 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Delerium - Myth
 
 
 
Michael Banu :): antisocialm_banu on October 16th, 2003 08:19 am (UTC)
You sound like me
Relaxing might be hard to do even if you had all your time free. :/

Good luck.