The advantage to having lived mostly inside your own mind is that you are able to study others from a different perspective. At a school this size, you frequently see the same individuals over and over again ... and over time, you develop your favorites to watch. It sounds a bit creepy, and perhaps it really is. But regardless, you learn a little bit of their habits, their gestures, their expressions ... after a while, you can tell who you are observing by merely seeing their gait.

I hadn't seen him in nearly two weeks, because our schedules and habits don't always align. He is busy, this I know. I understand. But I'm allowed to have my silly crushes, right ...?

I've had a few over the years, some dumber than others. This particular one has gone on longer than the rest more or less because I don't know for sure ... that it wouldn't "work out" on one level or another. Even though my existence matters little to him, watching him makes me feel ... hopeful, sometimes.

With the others, I always quickly realized that any effort would be doomed to failure. I had a habit of developing crushes on the guys who were kind to me (kindness so rarely happened at school), irrelevant of any other consideration. But sooner or later, I would figure out that it would never work: because of what I was at the time, or where he was in the social structure, or how he thought, or whatever ... but with this one ... I just have to wonder, and regret missed opportunities. Watching him, I suspect there's something "different" there.

In the end, I know so little about you ... and my time is running so short.