I stink at this polite ceremony of eating mini hot dogs while chatting about student work ... I just don't care about it. I am not fond of the routine, have never been close to my fellow majors, and since my stint in figure drawing last year, I have felt distanced from the department in general. I am rarely aware of openings, and thus rarely go unless a teacher takes it upon his or herself to let me know about the times. When I do attend, keep my comments to myself and I don't stay for very long if escape is possible. Some community contributor I am!
People who realize that I am nearing the end of my college stint persist in asking me what I want to do/where I am going to graduate school/what kind of field I am interested in/what amazing thing am I going to accomplish once I have obtained a degree. It's like the end of high school all over again, except I am constantly warned that the consequences for indecision will be even greater this time around.
I have to answer you with "I don't know," because I honestly don't. It's strangely difficult to imagine a life beyond the "now" of my existence ... for so long have I seen myself as "Midwestern kiddy academic," it almost feels like I can't restate myself to you without the simple act of ending this phase and doing something else. I can't say where I'm going or what I'm going to do until I've gone. While I'm here, I'm still ... a simple student with mundane concerns.
Where will I go? What will I do? It's both a positive and a negative that I cannot define these things. All I can say is that I don't want to stay "here."