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01 June 2004 @ 10:59 pm

My mother and stepfather purchased 21 gifts for my 21st birthday, items ranging from the very large to the very small - among them, a turquoise string bikini with silver sparkles and shimmer. To a girl who is fond of Speedos because you can jump in and nothing will come off, this tiny thing is one of those "no margin for error" (or hair) suits.

Ball it up, and you can hold it all in your hand without anything falling. This is not a suit for swimming.

It got me to thinking about how I view myself, and how I want others to view me. Cute vs. sexy: how do you define your appearance to others? At some point in my life, convinced in my angst-filled high school years that I was unattractive, seeing others like me in theoretically provocative poses but merely looking ridiculous, I settled on cute. But ... cute isn't the grand end of all I would like to be.

I often wondered how it was that some people seem to be so photogenic, while others take good photos on occasion and many more fail at the attempt altogether with. I think part of it stems from the confidence that a person has in his or her appearance/self. Every now and then, while leaving a movie theater after seeing a film that moved me deeply, or while witnessing a wonderful sunset, I think I am beautiful. "Beautiful" in a way that cannot be given words, it is a state in which one is oneself yet something else at the very same time. When this happens, I can look in the mirror and see myself in a new light: I can look beyond "cute." This is when pictures of me turn out their best.

When I worry too much or am not confident, pictures are liable to seem somehow awkward. This bikini reminds me that if I am to wear it, I cannot think about how my legs seem too muscular for the rest of me, how unfit I am, how my chest isn't large enough for my liking, or how my teeth are uneven. That mindset is, I believe, when my flaws become most apparent for myself and others.


It's really hard not to think about it when your butt is only covered by a few sparkly inches of fabric, though. x_x

I had forgotten that I had renamed Amarant in FFIX, and so a cranky Zidane saying "Hey, Asshat ... can I ask you something?" seemed absurdly funny.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: "Farewell Hyrule King," Wind Waker
El Duderino, if you're into brevitythrames on June 1st, 2004 10:08 pm (UTC)
Where'd you wear it at, anyway? To the stunning beaches of Lake Decatur?
One Who Wanders: amusedabiona on June 1st, 2004 10:31 pm (UTC)
/pif Lake Decatur doesn't deserve such a sight!

... in reality it just hasn't been out of doors yet. XD;
kushielsavatar on June 2nd, 2004 06:44 am (UTC)
I say wear it. I used to have a very serious self image problem in high school. And then sometime during senior year, a friend pushed me to buy a small black sleeveless dress, which showcased what I thought were my hideous arms. And now I wear anything that pleases me, skimpy or not (though I hope in good taste...o.O). This bikini sounds like theres a lot of skin involved, but you should make the leap *nods* You'll worry about how you look, but wearing stuff that shows some skin is the only way to get comfortable showing your skin (short of a nudist colony ^_~)
Fishkayay on June 2nd, 2004 09:57 am (UTC)
Except you can't do a proper cannonball in a skimpy, sparkly two piece. Well, I suppose you can as long as you don't mind losing part of it.

I don't think the question of Speedo versus this shiny two piece is entirely a matter of self confidence in body image, although we all do that, especially when faced with an itsy bitsy teeny weenie bikini. Yet practicality also plays a factor in my decisions.
Kain aka That Evil Guynanikore on June 2nd, 2004 05:30 pm (UTC)
My mother and stepfather purchased 21 gifts for my 21st birthday

That's sweet of them. :)

About the photo thing- Somehow light refuses to bounce off of Choccy (now Chancey) in a normal way, and she ends up looking different in every single picture. One pic had her 10 years older than another, and they were taken the same day o_o;

That kind of thing doesn't happen to me though
Katenyxdae on June 3rd, 2004 04:13 pm (UTC)
"I think part of it stems from the confidence that a person has in his or her appearance/self"

I agree. Confidence is the answer to many questions.
SDsado_nishi on June 15th, 2004 04:21 pm (UTC)
I have nothing against those types of "bathing suits", I just wouldn't wear them myself. Like you, I'd rather wear things that will work, but then again I'm a pretty practical person...

Love the FFIX comment. Ever played Chrono Trigger? One of my friends named Robo "Shit", and at one point, Lucca exclaims, "Oh no! Shit's getting whipped!"