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10 July 2004 @ 12:36 am
 
Wiegraf: Draw your sword, Ramza.
Me: I'll draw both of them, thank you.


So Wiegraf and I, we waltzed a few steps, and then I elegantly spun behind him and laid the smack down with some awesome double-sword action. Now. From what I hear, Wiegraf used to be a nice kind of guy, but lately changes in his personality have made him quite a bitch who has very little grasp on "reality." Since he dislikes having his ass handed to him (no matter how graceful the process was), he went ballistic and lost his ability to compare units accurately. Yeah, I've got friends and we're all gonna gang up on you now, but buddy, you've got an atomic bomb in your three loyal minions. If I could cast Giga Flare and Dark Holy, you'd be toast too, lamb-boy.

I've had a lot of trouble sleeping this week. I would go to bed around midnight, but would be unable to fall asleep until around four a.m. or so. Part of it is this insanely powerful surge of self-deprecating thought, part perhaps other unsettled business, or maybe my mind is simply working too hard on unseen issues to shut down.

At work the other day, we chatted about what used to scare us as children, and my thoughts (of course) went off onto a tangent. I separate "fears" from "phobias," for some reason. I really hate heights when there's nothing to prevent me from falling off into it, hate deep water, hate water weeds/sea weed. These are "phobias," different from my truest fears. Hidden within me are deep-set worries of losing my teeth and my mind. To me, losing my teeth symbolizes losing my independence. I know that I am not entirely without need of people (I don't think anyone can be, really), but to lose what I have would be a horrifying prospect for me. Losing my mind and my memories, to disease, age, or whatever cause may come, is an even worse fate. I would rather accept death than life without thinking and remembering. Without that, what am I?

...

The wig for Leaf came today. It's redder than I anticipated, but since very few people know Leaf, I do not feel compelled to be super-accurate and thus I think this wig will do just fine. (Besides, I don't have an extra $40 for spending at the moment.) I need to do some trimming to it ... otherwise, I've sworn to make mucho progress on the costume this weekend.
 
 
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