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27 December 2005 @ 10:24 pm
particulate matter  
I warn you that this is not a very cheerful entry. With that said, you are free to read or skim as you will ... for I must write it regardless.

I have to admit that taking criticism has never been my strong point. Taking good advice is often a challenge, too, because I dread looking like an idiot. But I liked to think that over the years, I've gotten better about it. That I'd gone from bawling ("I screwed up so bad they had to tell me what I did wrong") to nodding ("Okay, I'll work on it"). But perhaps I've flattered myself about my maturity level.

It is still very hard for me to listen when she tells me I am not doing enough. She is right, I am not fulfilling my potential capabilities. I seem to have associated this with wasted effort, though I cannot subdue my infernal drive towards "the pinnacle" of something. I have gone from questioning that lifestyle to being incapable of it. Now that I have tried to erase the approval addict workaholic from my personality and behavior, I have nothing to anchor myself to. My ultimate hopes are ideas that have become ideals instead of goals. I am a nothing, I am simply here, I guess, and I'm trying to make that enough.

It eats at me, that desire, that need that I cannot seem to fulfill. Simply being isn't enough. That "be as you are and all things will come about as a result of your complete self" mentality is so appealing, and yet it is driving me nuts. Why can I not achieve what that ambition of mine yearns for? I feel in my heart of hearts I am average. I have no faith in myself. As a result of believing that I'll never get to the top, I seem to have attached some sort of stigma with wanting to be the best, probably in order to protect my delicate ego. And then there's that perfectionist side I may never be able to erase, which halts all when it realizes that I cannot ever be number one.

She tells me that I am tripping myself up again. Yes, I am beginning to recognize the pattern. Dancing. Singing. Acting. Music. I guess now I can add academia to the list?

She said that it almost seems like I don't want to work. This isn't entirely accurate, but I cannot deny it either. I have practically given up on positions that interest me. I don't feel qualified or confident enough for the things I would most love to do. Stepping stone or no, I don't really want to be anybody's secretary. The thought repulses me, but I'm 22, and I need a job. I'm told I have to start at the bottom of the ladder, and if it isn't sitting at a desk, it's retail ... an even worse fate. It is small wonder that my efforts have been lackluster.

And then ...

It's so difficult to listen ... because I face myself every day, and it's ... hard. Besides often being almost incapacitated by my own depression on a regular basis, that perfectionist! It's forever there! This impossible standard applies to myself most of all, for if I cannot live it, how can I possibly preach it? It's impossible, I know it's impossible, yet I cannot relax my grip on myself. Maybe it's my drive for being something special feeding into this one arena that I've left for it.

I'm better off, I know I am. I've been worse. But I really think that I am ... sick. While I am no longer upon the edge of my sanity as I was when I lived with my family right after graduation, I'm still somewhere painfully close. I am embarrassed to feel so awful on a regular basis. I have never seriously considered suicide, for there's a spine in me that says "that's running away," there's a heart in me who has lost loved ones, that wonders "what happens to the people left behind," and there's a fantastically paranoid coward, the one who envisions me tripping and knocking out all my front teeth, imagining every single failed suicide attempt possible.

But I often think to myself that the world would be better off without me, that I do not deserve words of praise and faith in my potential, and as I haven't made much of a mark to start with, most people would not miss me. And I would not suffer so, if I did not exist. I used to wish that I was dumb, so that I would not be aware enough to feel like a living, walking problem. For a while I wished I was dead. And now I just wish that I were smart enough or mature enough or whatever enough to stop this cycle that I see and cannot seem to do anything about.
Current Mood: tiredtired
the masteremberfly on December 29th, 2005 04:12 am (UTC)
:( i hope you feel better.
Lokiateeq on December 29th, 2005 05:26 am (UTC)
Hmmmmm.... /gnaw :P

Unfortunately, she doesn't understand what you're going through. She tries, but she just can't grasp it... generation-gap. Older generations refuse to understand, let alone compromise, with younger generations.

Please don't become someone's secretary. That's not the Wenwren I knew and had fun with in FFXI. It's just not you. :-/

And /slap for thinking about suicide. Lots of people would miss you, kiddo. I'd miss you. :-(

What line of work are you looking for?
One Who Wanders: difficultabiona on December 29th, 2005 05:26 pm (UTC)
Wow, what a way to generalize on generations, dude. XD She understands well enough.

Did you miss the "never seriously considered" part of those paragraphs? : P
Lokiateeq on December 31st, 2005 02:16 am (UTC)
I tend to take what you say seriously. Don't scare me kiddo. (-.-)'
reekashininreekashinin on December 29th, 2005 05:58 pm (UTC)
hope you're feeling better after this post...

take care hun.
Emily: goddessetoileeyes on December 29th, 2005 06:38 pm (UTC)
There are days when I wonder if I should have gone to AIP at all, if I should have gone to the University of Chicago or IPFW and studied science like everyone expected me to. There are days when I struggle to pay my bills and when my busted up used car likes to stop working and days when I think I'll never be out of debt or that I'll never really like my job. There are days when I think I'm extremly lazy and that I don't do enough for everyone I love. There are days when I sometimes think the world would be better off without me... but I like you have never wanted to take my life because of how it would hurt my loved ones. On days like those I just have to try and make myself smile and think that everything I do is for a reason and that Karma will come my way one of these days. I did find Josh and I did get a low paying job in my feild (about a year after graduation) and I'm extremely slowly paying off my bills....very slowly... but I must be making progress because good days are coming a little more often and I'm really working on trying not to stress out about everything. The perfectionist in me sounds a lot like yours...lol... I hope that this helps. I felt very lost after graduation and I still do. I'm not sure if I should be in Fort Wayne or Fresno or Florida ya know? but like I said I think I'm getting happier... now if only I could get a couple other things in my life under control and I'd be a happy camper. Hugs, I wish I was in South Bend to give you a real hug! You will find what you're looking for or something better in the process. You are a wonderful person who would be very missed. (who is missed by those not living near you anymore). Tell your family happy holidays from me! Hugs again!
Fishkayay on January 2nd, 2006 03:24 am (UTC)
If that's how you feel -- and it sounds like you've thought it all out many, many times with a good deal of logic -- there's not much I can do to dispell your doubts. But doubts, which are all tied up with emotions, are like that often. One can know something is irrational; one can tell oneself, "I'm being silly. Snap out of it!", but it doesn't necessarily dispel the feeling, because the head and the heart refuse to agree, and in the end your soul just wants to scream or hide. I guess the only advice I can offer is that you're 22, so don't expect yourself to have acomplished everything or even to know what direction you want to take. Try not to despair now. Save that for your midlife crisis. *wink*