I have been in New City for over a year. I like to think that I have changed for the better in this time, though I often have difficulty in perceiving positive differences in myself. Could the me of two years ago have gotten on a bus full of strangers, not completely sure how to get to the destination nor certain how to get back, and succeed? I have lived alone with little to distract me from pondering about the self I claim to be and what I truly am. Though my problems are far from solved, I understand them a little bit better these days.
The move here was never intended to be a permanent one (though I did and still do refuse to return to Indiana), and so I sometimes find myself entertaining ideas of living in some far away city where folks in my far-flung web of friends are. When I first arrived in New City for more than a passing glance, it was February 5th, and 5 degrees. At that time, I wished to return to academia as soon as possible, for it was all I had known. Out of the balance of "independence" and "education," the latter took priority. These needs, however, have undergone a subtle shift. I now find that I would much rather strengthen my hold on complete financial independence. Furthermore, I still haven't convinced myself that I can do something in life other than get good grades. Finally, when I return to my schooling, my area of interest has changed, and the programs available here are no longer as suitable as they once were.
I never, ever ever ever EVER want to ask my father for money again. Do you know how close I am to being free of his yoke ...? There will always be the inherited personality traits that cause me no end of anguish, but once I save up and move to a new place, once he no longer houses any of my belongings ... I never have to go see him again. I can choose to see him. But I won't have to. No longer will I be forced to endure Homer Simpson Christmases! No more of his bitter drinking habits ruining the holidays! No more of him being hours late, no more empty apologies! I will probably always be hurt when he thinks of himself and not me, but I can remove myself from many potential situations.
I still rely on my mother for medicine, as I can't afford a regular prescription without insurance, and payment of my cell phone bill. I'd like to not have to ask her for these things anymore. So I do find it a bit hard to give up comparative "security" at this stage in the game. I'd need to save up more anyway, since I literally hit rock bottom in the months prior to my current employment. Perhaps worse still, I have no credit. I refused to get into the debt game in college, and since I am no longer blatantly tied to my parents' purse strings, credit card companies have ceased to send offers. This posed a problem the last time I went sniffing around for different apartments ... since I had no record to speak of, they wished for a state resident or my parents to cosign ... only how does one cosign when one lives seven hours away?
I wonder if I should hang around just long enough to get insurance and get a few things taken care of ... though I do not know what is going on at work. It seems as though they are going to hire me, but for what, I cannot say.
I had an epiphany of sorts the other night. I am afraid of drunkenness.
Prior to my parents' divorce, my father would come home from work, grab a number of beers, and drink himself into stupor. Before unconsciousness hit, he would become obnoxious, crude, and cruel. It brought out the worst in him, and the atmosphere around him would descend into awkwardness (at best). When this happened in public or in the presence of my condescending aunt and uncle, I invariably felt horribly mortified. He would drink even if he had to take me home, though he knew I did not approve. To this day, I still hate to be around him when he is drinking. I am more like my father than I wish to admit (my mother will occasionally call me by his name when I am acting particularly like him), and I dread thinking of any concoction that might bring these traits out in myself.
At the party, there was alcohol (of course). Yet I was impressed by the conduct of all. stefan_ was amazingly coherent, and despite his inebriation, he remained remarkably polite. yuushi was laughing cheerfully. There was much silliness. No one was mean, no one was cruel. It really illuminated things for me ... and while I don't think I'm ever going to be much of a drinker (I dislike the taste), I can be much more tolerant of others now.