June 11th, 2002

fat, please love me, downcast, hopeless

(no subject)

Oddly, I woke up at 3:40 p.m. today (after having some sort of mucked up dream about an elephant/tank ... not sure which, as I remember a bunch of elephants and bizzarely tall horses running off towards the mountain range in the sunset, but you can't do maintenence on an elephants innards with a wrench). I'm not too sure why - my bedtime of somewhere inbetween 1:30 and 2:00 a.m. usually guarantees that I will arise sometime between 12:00 p.m. and 1:00 p.m., but today I simply didn't function. I do believe that today is a lost cause, so I'm not going to bother attempting to be productive. I'm not sure if I can be productive today, I seem to be in the throes of a perfectionist movement, and I'm pretty sure that nothing I do will be good enough.

This is most likely why I will never do any of the cosplay that I dream of. Though I need to because of my inability with a needle, I can't start off slow and I know it, and I can't do anything big and I'm well aware of that too. So I merely sit and admire those with skills, while paralyzed to develop any of my own. I'm an idiot. -_-

Though after learning this info, I could possibly do Daemon, which I really wanted to do a long while back. But I never did manage to finish watching Reboot, because I went back to school and they don't have Cartoon Network there. T_T;

I most likely will have my away message up all this evening, unless someone appears that I have some info for or need to ask about something. For some reason, I suddenly don't feel like talking to anyone at all. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm always in here alone - not talking to anyone IRL whatsoever or doing anything outside the house gets to me, after awhile. I may be a loner, but I am still dependent upon seeing other people.

I don't feel like eating, though I know I will - I've been eating too much lately, and I feel like a pig. -_-

It's kind of interesting - my two big loves when I first got into anime were DBZ and Gundam Wing. I don't really watch either of them anymore, but I still think very fondly of DBZ, and would watch it again if I got the chance. Gundam Wing, on the other hand ... maybe I'd watch select episodes or scenes, but definitely not the series again. I have all these little Deathscythes and I don't know what to do with them. o_o Plus, what am I going to do with all of the tapes that I recorded every single one of the 49 Gundam Wing episodes on? I simply don't record that much stuff anymore, since I don't watch TV.

I think I'm going to go watch Kenshin again. -_-
  • Current Music
    ... the sound of the fans going.
grumpy, annoyed, been better, blah, bothered

(no subject)

So much for being unproductive; I folded and put away three loads of laundry and cleaned out my desk, which was a daunting task. I straightened my rugs out.

I'm currently reading Gao Xingjian's Nobel Prize-winning novel, "Soul Mountain." Here are some quotes I've found quite intriguing.

"In those contaminated surroundings I was taught that life was the source of literature, that literature had to be faithful to life, faithful to real life. My mistake was that I had alienated myself from life and ended up turning my back on real life. Life is not the same as manifestations of life. Real life, or in other words the basic substance of life, should be the former and not the latter. I had gone against real life because I was simply stringing together life's manifestations, so of course I wasn't able to accurately portray life and in the end only succeeded in distorting reality" (12).

"The hunter is already myth. To talk about a mixture of history and legend is how folk stories are born. Reality exists only through experience, and it must be personal experience. However, once related, even personal experience becomes a narrative. Reality can't be verified and doesn't need to be, that can be left for the "reality-of-life" experts to debate. What is important is life. Reality is simply that I am sitting by the fire in this room which is black with grime and smoke and that I can see the light of fire dancing in his eyes. Reality is myself, reality is only the perception of this instant and it can't be related to another person. All that needs to be said is that outside, a mist is enclosing the green-blue mountain in a haze and your heart is reverberating with the rushing water of a swift-flowing stream" (15).
  • Current Music
    ... still the sound of the fans.
  • Tags
tense, wtf, that's not right, profoundly disturbed

(no subject)

What're your thoughts on frames pages?

I haven't really made up my mind, but I'm getting kind of tired of my traditional tables look. I'm leaning towards doing something different than I've done before with Hammerspace.

Am I really someone who always says something but never does it? Fairybane, you tell me not to take you seriously, but you know I can't help it, because I respect your opinion.

I feel uneasy ... tense.
  • Current Mood
    pensive pensive
work, dirty job, erk, working

(no subject)

18

I act like I'm 18.
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lol. Too bad I just turned 19 last month ... I act younger than I am? o_O Must have been that "yes, they fit" answer do "do you wear kid's clothes?" I know folks tend to think that I look younger than I am, but apparently I read too much and take things too seriously to act "my age."
  • Current Music
    ... I'm cynically amused ... but you can't choose two moods