October 11th, 2002

exhausted, well shit, tired, zoned, drained

(no subject)

I am a liar, a coward.
I am manipulative.
I am lazy and selfish.
I am abusive and hurtful.

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So, I chalked the walk yesterday morning for about two and a half hours. I was crouching more and in longer stretches than I've ever crouched before, and pulling some interesting positions in order to avoid smearing the chalk I had already put down ... and I'm definitely feeling it in my hips today. x_x

I wound up drawing Charlotte and Meier Link from Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust. I had originally intended to draw D, but "black" chalk wasn't available, and I couldn't bear to attire D in cafeteria cake brown. ^_^; As it is, we now have the most pastel/flourescent rendition of Bloodlust characters that I've ever seen (I've taken a couple of pictures of parts of it ... couldn't get far enough away to get the whole thing in ... will develop film once I actually take 22 shots of something else. XP) on the sidewalk. I'm pretty sure that I spent more time on ours than anyone else spent on theirs ... you can tell ... you can also tell that I am an art major. lol. But we didn't win ... in fact, we were defeated by two pieces that I don't believe should've gone over us. (We did get $25 for our efforts. XP)

I'm not really upset ... but I am a bit miffed, mostly because I don't understand just what the judging requirements/criteria were, nor who judged the chalk the walk entries. I'm also a bit miffed because I don't believe I can bring the subject up to anyone, having been the person to draw our entry. I suspect favoritism may play an unconscious part of it ... because our club is not very well known and the movie we selected "obscure," while those that won over us are sororities which are favorites on campus. There's apparently been a bit of a tussle already about the objectivity of the judges in a talent show screening, so it seems like this may be likely.

"Wonderfully" is apparently a very relative term. I got a B on my portfolio ... missing an A by one point. >.<; My score on "technical skill" was low (a 7), probably because of my heavy stylization when using gesture. I guess a B is "good," but ... grr! I must get better! I must learn more! I need to get better grades, so my GPA doesn't die. ;_; I'm afraid of failure, so afraid.

I attended an art show last night for the students who had gone on the Southwest Immersion Trip over the summer (I couldn't attend, because I was in surgery at the time). They had some very lovely pieces there ... and while I was there, a teacher brought up the fact that they were starting to look into a study abroad trip in Hong Kong.

I was kind of excited, but also kind of worried. It's an English-speaking school, apparently, so we would not be required to learn another language ... it would be like a bubble in a different culture and not total immersion, and that's not what I want. I don't want to go to another land to remain as monolingual as I am now. I don't want to go and be unable to speak to anyone outside the bubble. If I'm going to go, I want to go all out! Language is a part of culture.

I'm also kind of hesitant on the inside ... because Japanese culture and art is really what I would love to study, and although I realize that the Japanese are highly influenced by Chinese culture, there are still things which are "Japanese" in mindset alone. But they started looking into this trip because of me ... and I'm afraid that if I don't go, I will never be able to visit Asia at all.

I've realized why I collect blank books, despite the fact that I don't need as many of them as I possess. I identify with the blank book in the sense that it is blank in both positive and negative ways - blank in the sense of possibility, but also blank in the sense of nothingness. Oftentimes, when I sit, I find that my mind has nothing but a void; it discovers by sitting that there is nothing it wants to think. But it is not a meditative peace ... it is generally more anxious, restless, worried.

Most of you know by now that I often pop in and out of conversation, and usually I don't bother with greetings or formalities ... I just start wherever I left off, or wherever else seems good enough. With friends, my conversation is a continual thing - it never really ends, it pauses until I or the other party returns. Even the absence is part of a conversation.

kirai: I'm just not used to friendships that are so casual, so I guess I'm at fault.
ChopstickDucky: No, it's not your fault. ^_^ There's no blame to be placed in this situation.

I've never thought of myself as being "casual" in this respect. Since I've been aware of my conversational habits, I've always interpreted them as a sign of a comfort or a trust that I have in the other individual ... since if I didn't possess some measure of trust or friendship, I would likely not be speaking at all, or speaking very little. I don't always say things of wisdom or worth, but who does? I will always try my best to be there when I am needed. I don't know if I will be adequate support ... ::shudders thinking of a past experience:: ... but I will always try my very best. I consider loyalty one of my virtues.
  • Current Music
    Arslan Senki - Kutsuato No Hana
calm, composed, caring, loved, angelic

(no subject)

We have to create forms that penetrate space and describe our heritage. While devising a set of thumbnails, my ideas slowly turned from my English/German background, to the personal physical and emotional ordeals of my family. These have had far more impact upon me than the concept of "heritage" has had. Mulling over this project due next Tuesday, I realized once again that with the technology of today, what the body can recover from is really quite amazing.

I have had my left ear sliced off and sewn back on twice for reconstructive surgeries.
My mother has had her throat slit open and part of her thyroid taken out to prevent death from choking.
My stepfather has had his chest cracked open for a quintuple bypass that saved his life.

At the same time, this amazing ability of ours to induce recovery and survival makes it all the more painful when someone close is lost due to a heart attack, cancer, or some mysterious ailment you don't know about.

For those that have gone, I still miss you. For those that are still here upon this earth, I do care about you dearly, though I feel that the use of gratutious words cheapen the emotion.
  • Current Music
    Arslan Senki, "Kutsuato no Hana" ... CD's with me at work