November 8th, 2002

productive, contemplative, in control, ponder this, intrigued

(no subject)

Ok. Let's see if I can put together an entry here ...

I've become such a relativist that even directions in games trip me up. XP I consult an FAQ, which tells me that the white SeeD ship is north of the Cape of Good Hope, but then I look at the globe-map thing, and I say to myself, "why, the Cape of Good Hope is north of that thing down there ... everything is north of something else!" Then I wind up going west of something which is west of something else, and I wind up exploring the entire world this way. It's a fun way to do things, although it would be really ineffective if my only goal was "finding the white SeeD ship." (FYI, I've already found it.)

So, since I'm considering myself effectively lost for the time being (I'm on the right continent, just not in the right place), I've been getting myself into random battles and making them last ridiculously long by spending every turn that I can just Drawing every last damn spell possible out of my enemy. : D I'm starting to max out on some things. ::laughs:: I wish I could max out on Ultima without it costing me a fortune ...

::The Gang encounters a Tonberry::
Sakaki - Ok, guys, you know what to do!
Squall - ::Draws 7 Deaths from a Tonberry::
Sakaki - Great! NOW RUN!

Now that the FFVIII rants are out of the way, let's begin with the this-has-been-scheduled-for-days entry! XD There have been many things going on in my little Kirkland World that bother, confuse, and puzzle me. Some of the questions that have arisen are in regards to myself - my ability, my worth, my ability to see my worth. Some are focused more on the actions and the thoughts of other people ... as Annette said, the art world is indeed full of prejudice. (Can't we all just get along, folks? TT)

(Picking up Nina's habit of codenames,) I shall refer to one individual as Mr. Converse. Mr. Converse is slowly working up a drawing ... right now he's working on his materials, which includes a huge sheet of paper, covered with glued-on manga pages and painted with a white wash. I saw the manga (I recognized Mamotte Shugogetten among other series), and being pleasantly surprised, said "oh, you should come to Anime Night!"

Mr. Converse replied with an emphatic no, and I questioned him. His answer? "Because I hate anime." He gave me no reason ... and I was dumbfounded enough at that moment not to ask for clarification. As it turns out, he was using manga to cover the paper not because he liked manga, but because he wanted to draw on comics and didn't want to cut the pages out of a comic that he liked.

I realize that anime is an "acquired taste," as my mother puts it ... but it really bothers me when people just say they hate it, without giving me any reason for their dislike. What about it puts you off? I want to know, because maybe I can give you some information that you do not have, or recommend a series to you that is vastly different from what you've seen before. I want to know, so that I can make use of my knowledge. XP You're using Mamotte Shugogetten pages ... well, what is it about Mamotte Shugogetten that you don't like? If you don't like it because of the art style or the plotline, why not try reading something else, like Blade of the Immortal?

Wednesday ... I spent about eight/nine hours working on homework, much of which was done in Kirkland (of course). It was weird ... at the end, I was having this sort of internal conflict about staying even longer, and redoing this one drawing ... or going home and going to bed. XP I wasn't satisfied with the drawing, and I really wanted to stay ... but on the other hand, it was getting really late, and I don't function in my morning classes without sleep, which I really wanted to do too. (I wound up going home. XP) Though I sometimes stay longer in Kirkland than some people work in a day ... I feel like I should be over there more, drawing more.

It feels strange to me, to think these things ... slowly, an urge to learn more, learn better, learn everything I can is resurfacing within me. I want to see where it leads me, but goddamn ... the procrastination which has had nineteen years to develop is one hell of a tough beast to kill. My own fear and inability to trust myself is a formidable foe.

Is there value in what I do? Other people think that I am far too harsh on myself ... but I would much rather be brutal on myself than suffer the possible consequences of an overinflated ego.

I wonder ... if this knowledge-ravenous person is what I am revealing myself to be, as I leave my pervasive blank depression behind ... what would I be like if I could grab hold of all the unharnessed energy that I contain, and use it? What kind of direction and dedication would I be able to apply then ...? But how do I get at it?

I really like my art teachers, despite how grumpy certain of them can be at times. XD Lyle brought up a really interesting point about the Western concept of "nothingness," and what "nothingness" really is ... can you see it for its full beauty? Not as a "lack of something," but something in itself. It is the space between words, must always be present. But because we view it as a void, a missing something ... we fear it. This may be part of the reason why traditional Western style art is usually very controlled in its use of space, and avoids leaving areas blank.

In drawing class the other day, we were in the beginning stages of learning a "painterly technique" to drawing by doing a related technique - drawing with strokes from a single direction. It was both challenging and enjoyable (although the distortions I unintentionally put in the figure were bizarre and frightening as all hell ... XP). To do it properly ... both the background and the figure must develop with each other, not one without the other. To do the figure first limits you in many ways, and makes the background arbitrary. It is the same in reverse.

I love my art classes ... they're the first time in so long that I actually think about what I do, try to understand what I do, and enjoy what I do. I want to be there. I want to learn more. I want to be better. I believe that this is part of my adherence to relativism ... I want to be able to wrap myself around everything, want to see it, want to understand it from as many angles as possible. Though I know that it is impossible to rid myself of bias entirely ... I want to be able to realize that it's happening when I look at something, and logically think my way around it.

... and now, for something completely different.

(Given that it's after Halloween, should I change my LJ layout ...? XP)

(... Silvermask, you have a clone. o_O)
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