November 25th, 2002

fat, please love me, downcast, hopeless

There are some battles neither side can win.

Lately, I have been finding that there are some battles in which no side can win. Neither wants to be convinced nor have their reputation slandered, nor lose face to an unworthy foe. Sometimes I wish people would realize these hopeless fights for what they are, a frustration with no conclusion ... I wish all participants would leave them be - nothing can come of it - but who can resist the barb? Who can resist the thought of triumph? Who can avoid the urge to correct the ignorant? Every other side is "the other side," each thinks the same of the other, and no one listens. Were I more directly involved, I know I would be speaking in these arguments, but since I am a bystander, I shall remain that way. Nothing will come of my participation.

Walker, the professor of my computer art/design class, is indeed the tough grader that I suspected him to be. According to him, if you get anything above a 90, you should be "very impressed with yourself." An 85, or a B, is "doing just fine." My GPA and the GPA-dependent scholarships, however, would dispute that statement.

Although there is a chance that my GPA will slip this semester and I will be in the "semester grace period" (a.k.a. "fail to pull it up, and you lose us giving you money that funds over half your tuition"), I suppose I have the consolation that college art classes are not high school art classes. It is not a matter of just doing what you're told to do, or breezing through. I am trying hard (though I feel still I could try harder), and I am applying more effort than I have in many years.

It seems that (especially on portfolio weeks) I spend more hours in Kirkland per day than many people work. Yet, I wonder why I still feel as though I am not doing enough. Is it because I am so grade-fixated and accustomed to the family statement that "you can only get Bs in math and science, because you are capable of doing better than that in English and Art" that a "B" insinuates "you haven't put forth enough effort" ...? Or is it because this is the first time in years where I haven't been emotionally deadened by depression and exhaustion, and I do not yet know my true limits? Or is it because I am capable of doing much more, but since I have never done it before, I'm not sure what's going on?

During my splurge on Saturday, I bought a copy of Newtype USA - so much information, it's almost like overload! The thing is in full color on almost all glossy pages. Full color, ladies and gentlemen. They're really selling it cheaply for the amount of stuff in it, how it's made, and how small a segment they can target with it. And it reads like my old left-handed magazines do. : D So for once, I was reading through a magazine from front to back instead of from back to front! (Am I the only one who first leafs through a magazine from the back?)

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