January 10th, 2005

afraid, anxious, dissatisfied, haunted

(no subject)

Dear Anne,
It's about time you faced facts: you are being stupid. If you let this situation continue unresolved, unnecessary stress will continue to build up and no one involved will ever be happy about it. You'll be like your father, but what's worse, on an even smaller scale ... at least that man has a job. You are feeling extremely pathetic, this I know. You feel like a waste of flesh, like your brain is leaking out your ears. But these things are hardly a mystery. You know the exact reasons why you feel this way: you're bored out of your mind, you can't contribute a damned thing, you are stagnant. So, fix it!

You must find a job. At this point, it doesn't really much matter what this job is (though housekeeping and anything pertaining to fast food will probably harm humanity as much as it harms you). In order to keep this job that you shall obtain, you're going to have to figure out a way to have perfect attendance. Since everyone else has a regular job, you're on your own; you're going to have to overcome your fear and distaste and learn how to drive. So sorry, but you don't live in a city right now, so instead of moping, take the obvious solution.

Once you have a job, you can save. With money behind you, you can afford to take the risk of getting the hell out of the Midwest and to somewhere else. Where might the "else" be? Well, if you think about it, the most clear answer is Pittsburgh. You like the availability of public transportation, know family friends who would let you rent shelter from them, and there are schools that you would like to apply to out there. You could easily arrange these matters, all that would remain would be to find another job in that city.

Speaking of schools, I know you're afraid in so many ways. You're afraid that you are no longer the shining applicant that you once were. You don't have three pages of useless awards and important-sounding but mostly empty accomplishments to back you up anymore, and you feel like you stand alone. But staring at their website and feeling ashamed because you were ordinary in college isn't going to get you anywhere with anyone. You've gotta get over that, dude, and find out whether or not there's a chance for you. Ask what kind of weight the GRE carries in the application process. Ask for more information about their program, about what they hope to see students contribute, about the possibility for individualized study. You are smart, if nothing else. The fact that you question your intelligence is proof enough that you are aware of that.

I know you're bummed about not being able to attend Ohayocon, and that there are friends you probably won't get to see this year because of that. But instead of moping, focus on what you can do in the time remaining before Katsucon. This is going to require that you finish what you start instead of getting halfway there and being afraid of your own inexperience. I've watched you observe the work of others, Anne, and so often you dislike that fabric or that color, or the fact that they've done a crappy rendition of whatever character. But these are just distractions, an excuse to hide the true problem. What really bugs you is the fact that they have done a rendition at all, and not because of the quality. You hate their action. You hate it because you lack action.

Don't you see these things, Anne? You have to make your own action instead of being passive-aggressive in a way that helps nothing. If you let yourself stew in your own juices, you'll be just another self-fulfilling prophecy.