April 15th, 2006

isolated, horrible, displeased, unfriendly

it's never far

I took two walks today and cleaned my room, but I'm still feeling very out of sorts. Cadbury Creme Eggs seem to have vanished from New City shelves, but there was ample orange juice and string cheese, and these are now in my possession.


Keep in mind that I have done no research on this subject, and these are merely my personal thoughts on the matter of dealing with depression.

Treatment consists of three areas of focus: physical, mental, and environmental well-being. The importance of each factor varies from individual to individual, but all must be looked at, for a single-track approach does not deal with the whole of the problem.

Physical well-being includes eating well and taking the right medications. Though my record with both of these is almost abysmally low, my diet is slowly improving, and I am currently taking meds on a regular basis. At some point, I should get properly diagnosed so that I can access drugs that are better capable of combating my persistent and severe lows. I have not seen a doctor for this in over four or five years, I think, and at the time I was both difficult to deal with and paranoid that any sort of brain chemical balancing component would override my personality or my behavior. This severely limited what the doctor could do with me.

I consider mental well-being the way one perceives the problem and deals with it, or "coping power." If you believe that things will never improve and merely wallow in your own juices, that is the beginning of the downward spiral and is not healthy. I tend to waver back and forth on this ... at times, I will be darn determined to improve my mindset, yet at others, I will be too out of it to help myself. The latter stage eventually becomes repulsive to me, and I will propel myself forward (though whether this is a positive result given its negative catalyst, I may never figure out).

Environmental factors can be anything one encounters on a daily basis, but I have narrowed my current concerns down to four: work, home, friends, and brain usage. I'm doing much better now that I am employed, but since my job is not satisfactory, it is still something that causes undue stress and needs to be ironed out. This is closely connected to brain usage. I have to be actively intellectually engaged with what I do, and since I don't think while I do data entry, my overall mood sours very quickly. Home, does home make you happy? Eh, so-so. It's cramped and I do miss closets, but I'm working on saving up to rectify that issue. I'm in a weird spot on the friends area ... I'll grow accustomed to being alone and my solitary existence in New City will no longer be a problem, but then I'll visit someone, and BAM! I remember what it's like to interact with friends, and loneliness becomes a major burden.

I'm not going to give up on myself!


I am starting to get my rear into gear on Asano Rin completion and assorted improvements. I trimmed the wig again today ... I think the bangs are still too thick, but I'm worried about taking too much out!

I am currently working on the pseudo-obi ... making layers on the "base" in an attempt to mock the way Samura draws them. I had to remove the snaps, poor things! At least I do know where my freaking Velcro is, and that was the original plan way back when in February. I hope I don't run out of yellow material before I make the fake bow! Perhaps I should do that first? I have no idea how I'm going to go about it, but I'll figure it out. I will probably reuse the snaps on carry-all bag version 1.5, as I don't know if I'll make 2.0 before A-Cen.

I'm going to have to remake the pseudo-geta next time I'm back in Soy Capital ... they're about a half inch too narrow. They look fine that way, but only when my feet aren't on them! This may not occur prior to A-Cen, so the purists will probably have to deal with my small black flip flops again. At least they're not huge and/or sparkly ...

I can't find my copy of "Last Blood," which rather stinks as it is my primary reference. Where the heck did it go?
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    "Still Day Beneath The Sun," Opeth
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