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05 July 2006 @ 09:55 pm
Hungry for everything.  
Though I watch others, it is impossible for me to turn my eye away from myself, and I am recognizing signs of a deteriorating mood. I must be very careful in the next few days, neither allowing it to determine how much I interact with others nor how sensitive I am to the jabs that will inevitably come my way. I must not lose the ground I have gained. I should try to avoid offending those who care for me rather than attempting to avoid people in general.

I am on edge at present, discontent. I fear that all I write has become dull, which is a profoundly unsettling idea, for not only are my entries generally the work of many hours, I post more frequently these days than I ever have before. If I have become "boring," a quality which I dread, then what the hell is the point of all the effort and time I spend here? When I think about it, just how much of an improvement is "I went for a walk and here are the same old same old pictures" over "I brushed my teeth," anyway? No one wishes to hear of the daily activities, of the mundane occupations, but I currently feel that my life is somewhere in a no-man's land between boring and pointless and thus have little else to describe. If I am compelled to write but have bland material from which to work, what can I do to avoid getting any more snore-inspiring? Do I put too much into it, making it worse by giving it so many words?

An entry of stupidity which took ten minutes garnered three replies, while one that took an entire day or mentioned topics that bother me received zero. To some extent it is pointless to ponder this factoid, for I intend to continue in my ways. But if I overstay my verbal welcome mat, please tell me to shut up, or something. I once had to be encouraged to add adjectives, but perhaps nowadays I need to be told how to be concise. Don't let me turn into Robert Jordan!

...

I find myself struggling to re-convince myself that there is good in other people, that there is some heart in what we do.

...

I applied to a couple of positions in Second City the other day, but via an automated system, so I cannot address my paranoia that they are ignoring my application due to my present location (i.e., I cannot comfort myself by sending a follow up letter). I become overly anxious when thinking of the job-seeking process. It seems to reinforce my perception that no one is listening, or that my being fits into no niche. But then ... how much of my struggle in New City was me? How much was the job market? I fear the answer that I know to be true ... a majority of it was all my doing.

I am beginning to conclude that I am going to have to relearn how to drive/acquire an actual license/obtain a car, because I can see no other way to complete local interviews while working nearly forty hours a week. I find driving stressful and expensive, but public transportation makes short time frames impossible.

...

I feel as though "time" will run out on me, though I am not sure what defines the window, nor why I perceive it to be so narrow. I ask myself now: what is the point in letting this stress me? Time moves as it will, and neither my actions nor my self-created burdens will ever alter that.

What is it that I seek? Take it out of the abstract and back into the concrete.
 
 
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: "The Road to Purgation," FFX
 
 
 
Kain aka That Evil Guy: moonanikore on July 6th, 2006 11:26 pm (UTC)
Is it just me, or are people with really short and inane entries happier on the whole
One Who Wanders: thoughtfulabiona on July 7th, 2006 12:33 am (UTC)
Hmmm.
Or do they only seem happier because you only get one perspective?

Or are their woes so inane themselves that their misery is just ... er ... ankle-deep?
Kain aka That Evil Guy: moonanikore on July 7th, 2006 02:17 am (UTC)
Re: Hmmm.
1. Don't sweat the small stuff

2. Everything is the small stuff
Kain aka That Evil Guy: moonanikore on July 6th, 2006 11:27 pm (UTC)
Don't let me turn into Robert Jordan!

I wish I'm Robert Jordan.
One Who Wanders: ackabiona on July 7th, 2006 12:33 am (UTC)
Every guy does.
Emily: tenchi tendernessetoileeyes on July 6th, 2006 11:29 pm (UTC)
Waiting and searching for something that doesn't seem like it will ever come sucks and so does the lack of responses to your LJ. I understand both. I still am at a standstill in my personal goal of getting into shape, I am still looking for the right job (aka a better and more fun job), I am still trying to save money and pay off debt, I have found my souls other half (that's one off of my list) and I'm still searching for the right place for us to live. Sometimes I think that the searching will never end... that happiness will never fully come... but I am starting to think that this is life and that life wouldn't be as good without the struggle....maybe... but I still don't know for sure...I can tell you one thing though.. Time will not run out on you, you will find some contentment in this lifetime... some place, some time, some job, some person, some thing... you will have it all.. maybe not all at the same time.. but you will.. I know you will. Keep up the good fight and keep up the hunt... I seek for my a new and better future everyday and will continue to until the day I die. Happiness is in the small moments spread out across a lifetime of other feelings.

As far as LJ goes... I get very few comments unless it is a.) Cosplay related b.) Life changing event related or c.) something stupid and/or funny and/or asking for attention I write in this journal to communicate with those who choose to read it and to have it to look back on someday and read about some of the everyday goings on of my life. I read all of your entries and enjoy them very much and am so glad to hear what's going on in your life... I should comment on it more often though... just so you know I'm here! Hugs hun!! Talk to you soon!!
One Who Wanders: looking forwardabiona on July 7th, 2006 12:34 am (UTC)
I'm going to be in the Bend this weekend due to my stepbrother's wedding. Saturday is pretty much shot, but Sunday morning/afternoon looks to be open. If you are free and want to travel, give me a call, ya? : D