One Who Wanders (abiona) wrote,
One Who Wanders

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Without you, I can see forever.

During the Thanksgiving weekend, I successfully held a "twenty questions twenty times in twenty different ways" conversation with my paternal grandmother that did not end in me wanting to run out screaming. In addition, I managed to get my father to pay for a few private driver's education lessons. Because he had been so insistent on a license over the years, I had foolishly thought that he would provide for these sessions with no strings attached. Well, this is not how it works, of course. Thus, ladies and gentlemen, I know what I'll be getting for Christmas from him: a cardboard box with a piece of paper inside, on which is written "driver's lessons."

I know he will do this, and he'll think this "gift" is really funny. He's a tacky idiot who has a track record of this sort of thing, and that's just the way he is. What's surprising to me is that I am not the least bit pissed off, irritated, or depressed about how history is going to repeat itself. Perhaps I'm finally putting things like this behind me. It's not that the situation is an insult to my worth as a daughter ... rather, he simply never understood the value of such a relationship to begin with, and it's too late for him now.

I was looking through old photo albums, and there were many pictures of a little me with him, clueless to what he was. At first, seeing these, I felt embarrassed by my lack of awareness. But then, I thought, there is no reason why should I find my childhood affection for my father reprehensible. After all, how could I have known when I was so young? I adored him and got along with him when I was the same as he - a child. When I grew older than he, all the pretend moments fell away until I could see that his heart, mind and soul were not big enough to fill his six four frame. He was still a boy in a man's body, unchanged and immature, while I was moving on.

It's not the same as finding ways to remember and utilize the creativity and responsiveness of childhood. If he had managed to reach adulthood while retaining these qualities, I would still be able to respect him. He is, however, merely a small person ... and his impact should reflect that.
Tags: is your heart in the right place?

  • Post a new comment


    Comments allowed for friends only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 1 comment