Step One: Plug the router in.
Step Two: Plug the internet into the router.
Step Three: Plug the router into the computer for installation!
Anne's Response: Wait just a minute! Didn't I get this to not plug it into the computer, because, you know, I physically can't?
Well, as it turns out, my habit of hoarding cords is sometimes useful. Now I just have to figure out how to relocate the router (and, more importantly, still have it talk to the computer) so that I don't have my 40 foot cable from college stretched across my new place like a poorly disguised boobytrap.
p.s. I just survived twelve days without personal access to the internet, which is a new personal best! Back to cleaning!
[Edit: When the hell did the Discovery Channel get so boring?]