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30 December 2001 @ 12:13 am
 
Is your heart in the right place? Is it? Is mine? Do you ever stop daily to ask yourself this, as I have now begun to do? This feeling happens to me so frequently now, where it had not before, always around midnight to one a.m. Sometimes it even prevents sleep, this sense of sand in my chest that presses both in and out with its weight, unshakable. Months ago, I would write character monologues when I felt like this. Now I write letters to explain things to people who don't want them explained, and will most likely never read them.

I know no one will respond to this, although sometimes I do wish people would, even if they didn't know what to say. So often I am the first and last post, or the last post ... as if somehow I had ended the conversation by arriving, or had squelched it by beginning. It's annoying sometimes, hurtful at other times ... I know I can't have said it all.

Nights like this, I wander the Web without speaking to anyone, visiting sites of people who have most likely forgotten me, and taking special care to visit the sites of those who want to forget, and those who hate me. In many ways, it's an utterly cold action - I will still watch you as we watched each other, and I will not forget. I will remember your faults, I will seek them out, and I will keep tabs on your activities for future reference.

But sometimes I find myself looking for evidence that they hated me, even though I've often had it straight out of their mouth. Can I see it in their artwork? Is it there in their writing? What have I done, is this reflected in here? This is such an incoherent entry, compared to some of the letters that I've been writing. I wonder sometimes if I should finish them, if it's even worth it. I know they will not respond should I send them, but I will forever keep on waiting ... now you see part of the source of Abiona Apara, the character who lives upon memories, and cannot give them up.

I sigh, as I look at the AGVEC (AGV Emergency Center), a group that was set up on Yahoo for the "survivors" of AGV. I feel stranger still as I look at their EZboard, and sigh to myself as I see the border I set down with my words. "Their." It isn't "my" EZboard, no longer "my" group, it's something I feel sadly separate from. I can't join in, not really. This isn't a part of me as it once was, and I desire so strongly to move on ... yet I cannot, I never can. I've never been able to move on.

Sometimes, I laugh when I look at the ExiledAGV EZboard ... for months earlier, I had the very same thought that they did. Months earlier, I had begun to create a set of forums much in the same style with the same medium ... but I gave it up, knowing that were the real AGV to disappear, I would never have the heart to keep up what to me seemed a charade, a shadow of the former self trying to be what it was not.

Please do not be offended, members of the AGVEC who may be reading this. That was not my intention here, although I suppose I should have suspected that would be the end result. I seem to have been offending many people today, realizing the trodden eggshells too late to patch the wound ... it tires me ... it saddens me ... sometimes I feel confused, not knowing what I've said or done that drew such a reaction.

It's strange how despite the fact that AGV has been gone for nearly three months now, I still feel constrained by the image I upheld on it. I shouldn't say these things here, for I will regret them later. It will destroy the appearance of the quiet, restrained intellect, or it will be used against me by someone, in some fashion.

"If an individual wants to qualify as being a Good Person (and who doesn't?) she or he will try to hold in occasional feelings of anger. [...] As time goes on, the person whose rule says anger is bad or dangerous begins to tighten up further inside" (pg 171).

From "Making Connections Second Edition: Readings in Relational Communication," by Kathleen M. Galvin and Pamela J. Cooper.
 
 
Current Mood: morosemorose
Current Music: ... silence
 
 
 
Silvermasksilvermask on December 29th, 2001 11:53 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

Don't worry about your image. We're all your friends because of who you are, not how you appear. ^_^ And besides, we all need our moments of loud brazen idiocy to go with our moments of quite reserved intellect. We are, after all, only human... (I'm referring more to some of my experiences with AGV than yours ^_~ My "record" has quite a few more "Why the hell did I do that"s on it than yours, I bet)

I blame your post for feeling quite depressed right now.
Thanks.
It'll work out. ^_^
(And I'll probably wonder why on earth I said what I did in a few hours, but maybe it will make you feel better)
Kokoryta: Hotohorikokoryta on December 29th, 2001 11:56 pm (UTC)
You're not alone
Sakaki-san you're not alone, after AGV closed, I think everyone was sad, a little lost even. Everyone who visited AGV regularly loved it and AGVEC and Exiled AGV are just not the same, yes some of the people are there, but not everyone. I am a memebr of both but rarely go, because it's just not the same as AGV, not as easy, as nice, as good...
AGV was special, I don't think anyone knew why but you felt as if AGV was "right"...

And whatever you feel is right, what ever you think will help, then your heart is always in the right place. *glomps*

I am always here if you want to talk
Dusty!: agvdriley1 on December 29th, 2001 11:57 pm (UTC)
On AGVEC and the EZBoard
I don't think the purpose of either of these groups is to try to replace the AGV. AGV was too dynamic and unique of a place to ever be replaced, unless by some stroke of fortune we wouldn't have to worry about money anymore.

The relationships between those that frequented AGV has changed since its closing. AGV was where I personally spent a vast majority of my online time, asking questions, writing post, and yes, even causing a bit of mayhem in AMA and CTS. ;-) Even with my relative newbie status, I know nothing can, did, or will replace AGV.....

I do feel fortunate that there are places like AGVEC and the EZboard, and heck, even LiveJournal and DeadJournal -- where a lot of AGVers still congregate.

Hope I made some semblance of sense.

--trbn91/Dusty
Kain aka That Evil Guynanikore on December 30th, 2001 06:52 pm (UTC)
whatever it is, it'll eventually go all away...
The surest way to get somebody to respond is to say that you know that nobody's gonna respond. heh... I provocate and provocated easily.

I get the downers just like a whole lot of people, but certainly not about how other people think of me. I'm one of those people who really don't care how other people think of me (psychologists classify this as "low self-observers", what a lovely term for people who just don't give a darn about vanity). If somebody wants to "spread" somethin' about me, heck go ahead and see if I care. To shoot, they'd have to have a target to begin with. Don't play the game, and there's no chance of losing. It's a boomerang... whoever starts it is going to end up with all the karmic goods.

(you're not askin' for any advice and won't appreciate any, but I have a big mouth so here it is) Do whatever would make you feel better- One either pays too much attention to other people and turn into a neurotic mess, or pay absolutely none and turn into an impudent prick (heh, I just called myself a name)... When the world becomes a bit too much, it's time to switch a few things off inside your head and become a hard-boiled egg. Grow your skin thick that it becomes an armor. "The heck with it, so the heck what?" Self-protection, ya know.

As for people using stuff against you- here's the rule I go by:
If you're honest and play things straight with folks, they will do the same with you. No guilt, no foul. There doesn't have to be any conscious showing of honesty; they can feel your straightforwardness and couldn't help but act the same way. However, if you play games, they will too. That's the way it works. So don't worry about it......

Sorry, the title of Master of Offense shall go to me ^_~ I can incite riots without trying.
Leohart: Bijinleohart8383 on September 14th, 2002 03:51 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry I couldn't have responded then. I'm sorry I didn't fully understand your sadness.