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28 June 2002 @ 07:53 pm
My parents are out of the house for awhile tonight, so I dug up Inu-Yasha on my computer (for some reason, it's really difficult to explain to them why I'm watching anime on a computer), discovered that I'm already on ep 42 of the 55 that I downloaded (there's somewhere about 71+ total according to Silvermask), and started watching. It's much more fun when (in lieu of actual fellow otaku) my parents aren't here ... I can yell at what's going without getting strange looks. I suppose anime is kind of like my football, with the exception of the fact that far fewer people share the habit.

"INU-YASHA!!! KAGOME NEEDS YOU!!! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!!!" This statement of panic, frustration, and excitement may be the rough equivalent of "GET YOUR ASS OVER THERE OR WE'RE NEVER GOING TO WIN!!!," or something. ::is no longer familiar with football terminology since her last gym class has, thankfully, vanished into the shadowy parts of her mind::

Katherine, long story. Check with me on IM.


Let's see ... what else was I going to say? Oh yes. Lately I've been thinking about the things that I've done and have dropped in the past, and it has saddened me. Dancing, singing, theatre ... these were things I enjoyed, but stopped doing for one reason or another. These reasons seemed great enough and painful at the time, but they've faded ... I can no longer think of all the examples of why I used to hate show choir, at least, not in the profuse amounts that I used to be able to.

There does seem to be, however, a common theme. These things were important to me ... very important ... but with the introduction of consistent conflict, I eventually gave up. I hated myself afterwards, every time. After I stopped dancing, it was hard for me to go to the Nutcracker and watch the Waltz of the Flowers without tears in my eyes - I had spent so many years on that, but never quite made it. After I stopped dancing, I started hating the way that I looked. After I stopped singing ... I had always disliked my voice, but when I stopped, I hated it even more. I couldn't bear to hear how everything, all that work and love, was falling apart so quickly. My throat has felt clogged every day since then. Every performance that my mother forced me into after I had stopped (thinking, of course, that she was delaying the arrival of the inevitable) was agonizing, like I was being forced to reveal to others what was happening to me. After I stopped theatre (just dropped it entirely when I graduated high school) ... I don't know. I was gone by that point, mentally and spiritually (not in a "Church" spiritual sense, I had no spirit inside of me whatsoever). High school took a lot out of me ... I always remember saying that each year I kept on giving and giving, but each year I kept on getting less and less back from it. A visit to a friend's school during the fall semester of college before I began pulling myself together (at least, I think I've begun) found me making comments like, "school has taught me to be passive" and then shutting up.


I love acting, but I know I'd never make it through the theatre school at my college ... I love it, but I hate fighting, dislike politics and distraction, and competition makes me uncomfortable (and because of this, I seem to lose often). I'd quit again if I joined the theatre school, just like I quit show choir ... after All State Choir, which was my dream come true, how could I go back to a squabbling reality where every day was a soap opera in action and no true singing was done, or love was shown?

I don't know. Can I go back? Should I go back? What if people look at me again and say "oh, she's just not sticking to it, she never has." Any way you look at it, I know I failed. I fail at everything, because I love it, but I can't fight for it. I will go away and make other people happy, and will hate myself, but what can I do? I'm passive, passive. I love too many things as well, and as a result of that am only average in everything. How can I help it? If I focus on one thing, I neglect everything else.

I've been thinking about getting back into some things next school year. I'm going to attempt the paper again (which was a dumbass decision of me, although I liked putting things together, I don't like it enough to warrant Thursday through Sunday wasted on my own in a basement), want to inquire about joining the choir spring semester (can't join during the fall semester, 'cause that'll put me into credit overload, and I have to pay $530 dollars per credit over) ... dance will have to wait, I think. Maybe whenever I move wherever I'm going to move, I can find some ballet studio and take adult dance classes. I won't be able to go on pointe like I wanted to for more than nine and a half years, but I'll feel better about my body again (I hope).

There were other things that I wanted to talk about, but if joining and lurking at Aeon has taught me anything, it is that most people have short attention spans (including myself, probably), so my habit of long posts which suited AGV so well is no longer wanted or needed. I'm just a long-winded indecisive passive-aggressive nutcase.

Oh, and Silvermask, I just realized that .:!Brainfuzz!:.'s one year anniversary is this weekend, and we're not ready to move anywhere or do anything, though we've been "trying" for months. I'm pissed, although I probably have no right to be. Is that clear? Good. -_-;
Current Mood: hopeless
Current Music: ... I'm hearing a sad, Irish-themed chorus in my head
Elizabeth: inpersontsukitty on June 28th, 2002 07:14 pm (UTC)
Anime leaves me open to teasing from people so i pretty much keep it to myself. I prefer no to watch it around others and so when the mood hits me to watch like my new Blue Seed DVD I usually sit in my bedroom and watch it on my laptop. Then my mother gets the idea that I would like some privacy. Course right now she is LOUDLY watching 20/20 bleh.

I have been going through the same sort of self analysis you have. I wonder if I have screwed myself over by not caring about grades in school and if I am just a total retard. I think it's the fact that I haven't completed even one year of college and I am 21 going on 22. I feel like an old ham with nothing to show for it. But then I think of everything I HAVE done and I realize that this last couple of years has just been like a buffer or a plateau. I totally made up my mind that when I get to Florida that I will use the fact that I am once again on my own to my advantage. I am going to loose the weight I gain in Memphis and start school [slowly cause I can't afford out of state tuition] and I am going to work on appreciating what I have and not lusting constantly for what I had or could have.

I guess these critisms of ourselves are like a natural way of getting yourself worked up to achieve new things. But frankly it makes me a bit tired ^^; My mind races at night about how hopeless I feel about things sometimes but I just trust that things will get better and try to snap myself outta it.

Why did I type all of this out in your journal? Cause I just wanted to show you that someone else goes through if not the same then similar things. So if your feeling like the only one don't worry, your not :)
fenreis on June 29th, 2002 11:48 pm (UTC)
Eep sorry for not commenting in a while.. >.<
I know what your saying really I do. There's so many things I used to love doing, like singing. I've done choir single elementary up till the last year of grade school, but yes I guess in a way something happened and I haven't done it since, same with Musical Theater. I find I can't dance. XD Either way there is NOTHING wrong with going back and wanting to do something. If other people look to you in the sense of 'oh she's not going to finish it' ignore it.
If you have the ambition to continue on and do so, then do it, who cares what others think? just as long as your happy ( and it's not super illegal to get you in trouble.. XD j/k. ) Think of it this way, you don't have to do it to compete to be the best, but your doing it because you find it fun, and if you do better all the best.

It's the question I have going through my mind constantly..Too bad I myself don't have the will to do it on most things ( like my site for example, I want to finish it, but there's too many things to do that it's more of a stop and go thing.. )sorry if I sound like a hypocrite..I do try somethings sometime again or go back to it, usually I end up not completing it or moving onto some other project o_O bu I don't want you to feel bad about that, I think everyone has regrets or something they want to go back to..like that, I know I do. ^^; I dunno if that made any sense o_O;

btw, for cheaper college classes, you could concurrent roll in a community college near your area for dance classes, and get it cheaper, and get credit for that too o_O but you should check with your councler if that'll work.. ^^;

Inu Yasha!! XD XD I STILL haven't be able to watch a single episode of that, I Speed read 4 of Viz Graphic novels.. but yeah it sucked because I was doing it on a 15 minute break in Japanese night class. ^^;; wish I had more time..

Easy way for solitude from parents = yell/scream along to what's going on in the anime your watching or game your playing. No seriously o_O Mine keep away from my room until I'm done swearing and what not.. XD

So unfair ;_; Everyone has seen more RK then I have. ^_^;; ..They need a RK DVD Box set.. o_O So I don't have to spend twice as much on the single DVD

Glad your feeling much better btw!