Gyah! I'm so confused, in such a silly way. ._. Here I am, discovering entirely new tools in Painter Classic that I never knew existed, and really just squealing happily over the fact that I could create at least the appearance of texture on the computer (I pratically jumped when I found the pastel option) ... and then I find that one artist I admire and would like to learn from uses the exact same program to create these beautiful smooth things that I don't believe I could replicate, not with this "eee, texture!" desire I have. ._.; What to do, what to do? Try to be like her? I love her style to death. But ... but ... dammit. TT;

I found my last portfolio grade from spring semester by a weirdly ironic accident ... "Your work speaks volumes ... keep experimenting, and don't be afraid to be yourself." Gosh, I love Mark (the teacher who wrote that). He's great at what he does and how he interacts with his students and with their work. But I am afraid to be myself. I'm so afraid of being wrong, of never being liked.

And although I like the option of as many damn layers as you need in Photoshop, I feel that it somehow limits me in expressing things, by holding me to the "line." I like the energetic feel of lines, but at the same time, I want to do other things. Because of the feel of holding the pencil (or stylus, or whatever it is that you write with on the damn tablet) is so strongly associated with lines for me, I feel like I can't escape doing the same thing in Photoshop, over and over again. It feels wrong to me, because I can't stick my hands in it and move what's going on.

My sketchbook smells like campfire smoke, and I can't find the rant that I was sure I had written in it. o_o

Gyah, gyah.

I've gotten a lot of support over at The Artist's Cafe concerning a webcomic, but I had a sudden realization the other day that I would rather write it, and I know that if I did that, I would probably never successfully turn it into a webcomic. I incorporate way too many details and adjectives and such in my writing ... to hope that I could accurately translate such into my drawing style, particularly in a format in which I am not used to holding to, is foolish.

I just don't know.

I'd love above all things to be successful on the Internet, but something isn't meshing for me. I feel unsatisfied both because I am not "popular" and because I want to be. Dammit.