One Who Wanders (abiona) wrote,
One Who Wanders

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This evening I haven't felt like talking to anyone at all while sitting around, surfing aimlessly on the Internet. I wanted a new screenname which nobody knew but me (I used to have such a name, but I broke the silence once and it's been known ever since), but since an aol account is limited to so many names, and my mother already takes up the rest of the slots that I do not occupy, that's not something I can do. I haven't much felt like talking to people in person, either ... maybe cleaning out the closet where I work has had something to do with it. It took more than one person more than two days to create that titanic mess in the office closet, and I, a single person, had two days in which to reverse it (you better believe I did it, and I did it damn well ... we've even got a few empty shelves now ... sadly, I now have to clean out the "storage office" next door, which is like a closet in room-size). I hate trash and the smell of rotting garbage, and I hate having to go down a couple of flights of stairs to empty a trashcan into a dumpster which hasn't been emptied for a good long while and is sitting there in the parking lot, roasting in the sun.

I've realized that one reason I don't really enjoy working at the dance studio no matter what I do (be it cleaning, data entry, organizing, or taking nearly 40-something chairs down three stories, one by one) is because I regret having quit dance. I spent so much time there as a dancer ... now I find photos, see other dancers up the stairs, look at the toeshoes scattered around, and the other assorted gear of a dancer ... if I hadn't quit, could I have been still a part of that? I admit I didn't really have much talent for ballet (I was told once that I had three things - a great grande jete, a nice neck, and great stage presence - going for me) ... but it wouldn't be bothering me so much now, over six years later, if I hadn't cared about it. All my classmates ... either graduated or company members ... some are going to dance professionally. Nearly all the company members are younger than I am. These small people are on pointe ... those pointe shoes I so longed for and coveted, and worked nine and a half years towards before turning away. Would I have managed it had I not quit? Would I be that dancer in there at the bar with an art in mind, and not just average me on a ladder in the closet, hauling out junk that nobody wants or even remembers how it got there?

I still long for that grace, for that control that dancers possess. (If you think it takes no strength, control, or determination to be a dancer, or a ballerina specifically, you are frankly quite a fool.) I had a great time at first in tap when I discovered that it was permissable in some of dance's forms to make noise ... but it's those toe shoes that I still want and don't have, not the taps which are silent in my dusty dance bag.

They say hindsight is always twenty-twenty, but I think my hindsight is only twenty-twenty when I am not the subject in question. Otherwise, it is warped ... I cannot let go, cannot let go. I beat myself up and over again, and though I know it won't change what happened, I always think that just maybe, just maybe, if I know to the bottom of my very soul what I did wrong, I won't commit the same mistake again.

I think the amount of time I spent in ballet is still reflected in my drawings, actually. I use frequently use comparisons to dance and to dance classes to illustrate just how awkward I feel at times when I draw, or how I wish to be, and it has been pointed out to me long ago that I tend to exaggerate the ankles and feet of my characters, particularly in length. If, however, you look at a ballerina in pointe shoes ... if you gaze at her feet in particular ... it kind of seems to explain that added length I always give. Though when I draw I always begin with the head, in real life I always look to a ballerina's shoes first.

Dusty, I had another random thought today about the rating system of that journal-rating community thing you joined, although I know it won't make a bit of difference. ^^; I kind of recall one of their criteria for judging being the regularity of entries ... I think they asked whether or not there were gaps between entries, and if there were, whether or not those gaps were explained. But are they reviewing the journal as a journal or as a source of entertainment? If they are reviewing it as a journal, what does regularity of entries have to do with anything? It's as regular as the person sees fit to make it, and he or she is not obligated to answer to anyone about his or her schedule. Come to think of it, if the journal is being rated as a journal, then only the author can really rate its quality and effectiveness. A journal, even an online journal, is a thing of personal nature.

I really wanted to play RO tonight ... the character server's still out of commission, though. So I guess kowaiyo's sadly neglected Divine Protection will have to wait. ^^; (Well, it'd have to wait anyway. I'm a painfully slow leveller, and ... darnit, I die! Lots! EVERYTHING KILLS ME! ::cry cry::)

And Nina ... gotta ask ... can you take me off the "Greymatter Comment Posted" list for the blog? I do check the blog regularly even if I don't post ... and they're beginning to tip the balance of my Hotmail inbox dangerously close to 100%. ^^;;;

Thanks Nishi, for sending me the Berserk song that I'd been looking for. ^_^ I'm going to go watch the last episode on my new Rurouni Kenshin DVD now ... mayhap that'll cheer me up. Next semester, my mother has sworn to keep me in that room come hell or high water, and I have sworn to actually budget things out (since I go out so rarely, it shouldn't be some awfully difficult task). I'm going to get a planner again, and this time I am going to use it for the entire year. These are my pre-New Year's resolutions.
Tags: is your heart in the right place?

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