One Who Wanders (abiona) wrote,
One Who Wanders

  • Mood:
"Everything can be taken negatively. Everything can be an excuse. When you want to pick something apart, everything can be a target." July 4th, 2002.

I am afraid of interpretations.

I should just keep my mouth shut. I should never say a thing, I should simply let myself grow more and more warped on the inside, so that after awhile it won't matter to anyone anymore that nobody understands what I am saying, that the wrong way to view it is the most likely way it will be viewed in. I am not searching for fame or for accolades and rewards from you. Yes, I do want it. But that doesn't mean that's what I'm there for!

I hate having to clarify myself, because still the negative viewpoint persists. "Oh, she's denying it, that means it's true." But if I make no statement, "Oh, she hasn't said anything at all, that means its true." I'm screwed no matter which way I turn.

I just realized that I haven't taken any Zoloft for nearly a week now, but as mother doesn't know she hasn't commented. She once said that she could tell a difference between 75mg and 0 mg, but that was only when she knew I hadn't taken any in awhile. If she doesn't know, can she tell? I dunno. [Edit - Fear my mother's powers of observation. "Have you been taking your medicine the past few days?" Uhmmmm ... >.>;]

I missed AGV the other day ... I felt like writing a lengthly post on similarities and differences between Trigun and Rurouni Kenshin (so what if it's been done before, leave me alone), but there would be nowhere to post it. I don't want one word responses, I don't want simple agreement, but conversely I don't want silence and tersely, sparsely worded disagreements. AGV was the only place this ever worked out for me.

It is sad how refreshing it is to be able to come online and to be almost entirely alone, and not have to talk to everyone and their mother (yes, this happens). It is nice to be able to pick my own conversations and not have to deal with everyone IMing me all at once. I feel free-er when I am not worrying about this person or that person being online and me not saying anything, or their presence online at all, or anything like that.

I am not filled with self-loathing. I am filled with doubt. I do not trust myself.

  • (no subject)

    I'd say I burned out on LJ there, but I wasn't exactly on fire to begin with ...

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