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04 August 2002 @ 03:25 pm
"Everything can be taken negatively. Everything can be an excuse. When you want to pick something apart, everything can be a target." July 4th, 2002.

I am afraid of interpretations.

I should just keep my mouth shut. I should never say a thing, I should simply let myself grow more and more warped on the inside, so that after awhile it won't matter to anyone anymore that nobody understands what I am saying, that the wrong way to view it is the most likely way it will be viewed in. I am not searching for fame or for accolades and rewards from you. Yes, I do want it. But that doesn't mean that's what I'm there for!

I hate having to clarify myself, because still the negative viewpoint persists. "Oh, she's denying it, that means it's true." But if I make no statement, "Oh, she hasn't said anything at all, that means its true." I'm screwed no matter which way I turn.

I just realized that I haven't taken any Zoloft for nearly a week now, but as mother doesn't know she hasn't commented. She once said that she could tell a difference between 75mg and 0 mg, but that was only when she knew I hadn't taken any in awhile. If she doesn't know, can she tell? I dunno. [Edit - Fear my mother's powers of observation. "Have you been taking your medicine the past few days?" Uhmmmm ... >.>;]

I missed AGV the other day ... I felt like writing a lengthly post on similarities and differences between Trigun and Rurouni Kenshin (so what if it's been done before, leave me alone), but there would be nowhere to post it. I don't want one word responses, I don't want simple agreement, but conversely I don't want silence and tersely, sparsely worded disagreements. AGV was the only place this ever worked out for me.

It is sad how refreshing it is to be able to come online and to be almost entirely alone, and not have to talk to everyone and their mother (yes, this happens). It is nice to be able to pick my own conversations and not have to deal with everyone IMing me all at once. I feel free-er when I am not worrying about this person or that person being online and me not saying anything, or their presence online at all, or anything like that.

I am not filled with self-loathing. I am filled with doubt. I do not trust myself.
Current Mood: crappycrappy
才能 零sainou_rei on August 4th, 2002 09:53 pm (UTC)
o_o the quote is quite true.
Your not alone with the feeling of self-doubt. but I think sometimes I borderline on self-loathing..

Something I have grown an utter dislike for, for the mere fact that some people can't have an open mind and think of the more shallow points, thus leading to awkward if not negative feelings on something. It's sad also, sometimes i wonder how many people actually understand other people? without thinking of the negative. The pro's usually make up for the cons..that's what I think anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't mind them if you can. There's always some who do good interpretations.

and no don't do that -_-; Despite others er.. warped interpretation, say it. It's better to share sometimes, ne? Whether they belive falsely or not you know the truth. It does get really trite though clarifying. . Thus I usually tend to be vauge in my entries.. or maybe that's just the fact that I have no idea what I'm talking about because I'm addicted to trying to update but I'm really half asleep! XD

An interesting thing I discovered, no matter how many times I read a similarities/difference page on an anime or game or what not. I always find out something even that I didn't notice the first time. o_O

LoL o_o; I fear my mom too when it comes to her checking if I'm taking whatever medicine I need to be taking. x_x; scarry wrath.. ::shudders::