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16 August 2002 @ 12:33 pm
I did not sleep well last night. Over and over again I woke up and tossed and turned, waiting to fall back asleep ... I hope that this is not a return of the former state of things. The more this happens, the more tired I am, the more easily stressed I become, and the more I am stressed, the more I wake up in my sleep or do not sleep well, and the more I grind my teeth (it is during this type of time that I wake up with blood on my pillow).

what am i doing online? i am much more fit for pen and paper journals.

what is my inner journaling service?

(brought you by april)

I've felt guilty lately about having a "new top-secret screenname" which very few people know. I feel like I should give everyone on my old buddylist the chance to contact me if they wished, but I really don't want some of them contacting me. It's not that I hate them or despise them, but I just don't have anything to talk about with them anymore (like a lot of former AGVers), and it makes me feel disconnected and quite uncomfortable. Is this why Cx didn't give me his screenname back then? I feel like such a hypocrite ... when I am blocked by people, I am invariably hurt or confused. I haven't blocked anyone with the block button, but I have blocked them by not giving them the knowledge of this new name. I want some people to leave me alone, but I can't tell them that, so I make almost everyone distant.

I feel like such an awful person. -_- Maybe when I'm forty I'll be wise.

And for those people who thought the habit of including real-life footage in the RK OAVs was a bit odd, check out the RK TV series ending "It's Gonna Rain." The inspirations for the artistic decisions they made in the OAVs can all be traced to the TV series, methinks.
Current Mood: lousy
Current Music: Utena - Ending Theme
a_for_anonymous on August 16th, 2002 12:39 pm (UTC)
About the secret screen name, I know what you mean. I felt like that at first when I got one... but sometimes things're just too cluttered to deal with everyone at once. Hell, I have one where only Abra can contact me, and no-one else - seems nasty since I have a lot of good friends, but sometimes there are things that require 100% of my attention, or I just don't have the energy to talk to multiple people...
In short, there's no shame in it. Mostly everyone does it, I'd wager.
fcotte davydde hammehacque, esq.: profileczircon on August 16th, 2002 01:19 pm (UTC)
I have been wanting to contact you, but if you don't want me to, that's okay.
Leohartleohart8383 on August 16th, 2002 11:51 pm (UTC)
Hmm.. That's all I have to say.
Earthearthphoenix on August 16th, 2002 01:42 pm (UTC)
Fuck people! (well no, not really)

You are more than allowed to have time to yourself, guilt-free! Take care of yourself, first and foremost ... those that are acepting will understand - otherwise - to hell with them all...
才能 零: P> XDsainou_rei on August 17th, 2002 02:18 am (UTC)
Just like what the others said, there is absolutely no shame in having a secret sn, I have one myself. ^_^ I think everyone's had one at one point. and it's actually good I think. I, myself have not felt like talking with certain friends online, it's not that I don't like them either, I'm afraid I might snap at them. As some have snapped at me for petty reasons. So really it does help. ^_^ Just don't go on in forever so no one will ever have contact with you. T_T

Too bad I was never able to see the whole entire RK series aside from the first volume and the OAV's. ^_^; I notice that they're using a lot of life-life footage in varies anime's aside from RK, Evangelion has at least 1-2/3's of one of the ending episodes full of it. and there's others but I'm too lazy to list them XD How far have you gotten with the series btw?

With age comes wisdom saying is full of crud, imo. XD I know some people who are in their late 40's-- and apparently I'm smarter then them on certain things and vise versa. o_O; I do hope you feel better though. As much as I love sleep, I find it hard to obtain, as much as does the rest of the family z_z;