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17 August 2002 @ 10:32 pm
Several of my dreams recently have featured scenes which I found disturbing, in which I successfully manipulated people who couldn't fight back, so to speak, for my own ends. One dream also found me behind the wheel of a large gray car (although, true to life, I didn't know how to drive), and I committed various driving sins, including some amazingly illegal left turn which left me panicked and surprisingly alive. I think one of the reasons why I never really rode horses despite loving them to death is because I was afraid that I could not control them. Accordingly, in the part of this dream with me in the car, breaking was hell and I was very scared that I could not make the car stop before the stoplight. (I did, but not gracefully or well.)

Today, we went to go see Steven et. al., at a family "party" of sorts that didn't really feel like a party at all (we were the only people who showed up ... >.>;). Steven is part of a band (they have a website at http://www.firstcirclemusic.com ), and the band was (of course) there with him, since they had just finished their tour and were taking a break of sorts before going to Minnesota and heading back to California.

It's amazing how outclassed I felt. I didn't feel terrible, but more out of place, useless, out of my league/depth. I was sitting amongst a group of people who could talk about music and art both intelligently and eloquently, and all I could do was sit and look from person to person, wishing I was somewhere else. Every time someone tried to say something positive about me or about my sketchbook (I had taken out my sketchbook and started drawing so that I wouldn't have to look like I was into the conversation which scared me with its passion), I automatically contradicted them, saying "no I'm not," "well, I try ..." or "she's biased," things of that nature. I felt guilty because I knew they were right when they were talking about school as a place to experiment without having to feel the pressures of making money to pay rent and so on, but despite knowing this I still couldn't get myself worked up about being at school for art.

I think I am at a disadvantage because I cannot get passionate about anything publically. I cannot ooze interest and speak endlessly on how I love what I do, or how I learn from what I love, or whatever. I'm just ... there, because I am.

I've also been terribly obsessed with money lately, since I heard my mother speaking of our house's mortgage. I don't have much information, and they've always dealt with these sort of things, but I can't help but be worried, even though my worry is useless worry.

Sakaki - ::looks down at school supplies:: Is it okay to be getting these things?
Mother - It will all work out.
Sakaki - ... will it be troublesome?
Mother - ::pause:: Not if we don't spend three hundred dollars, no.

I wonder if Paul likes me as a person, or if he just accepts me/deals with me because I'm related to my mother and will soon be out of the house. I don't know why I had this thought so suddenly (and so belatedly), but it's been bothering me since I've had it.
Current Mood: troubled
Current Music: Oddly, I have "Uptown Girl" stuck in my head.
Giang (yang): Starrcometeoraine on August 17th, 2002 09:35 pm (UTC)
I can relate very well with you on entertainment related topics. At unladylike.org forums, I feel out of place when they speak of topics such as music or movies or J-Rock. The truth is, I don't know even a speck of what they're talking about. Same goes with real life events. It makes you feel useless and just...there.
Elizabethtsukitty on August 17th, 2002 10:14 pm (UTC)
Don't be worried about the "out classed" thing. I find that being out classed is what gets me motivated to try new things and become a little more involved in what I already know. You see the way you should play it is that you are more of a listener/learner then a talker/ego booster. Then you look like the academic sort rather then a know-it-all. I'm not saying that they were know it all but older adults love getting to talk their brains off to curious little information whores like me. I sit there and make them feel like the smartest person in the world even though I don't have a clue what their going on about. Then they feel super smart and I look like an eager youngster with a thrist for improvement. We all win!
SD: Karura-ousado_nishi on August 17th, 2002 10:23 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that's how I feel whenever I'm around family and relatives. Like I'm the odd one. So I just sit there and don't really do anything, and wonder if they think I'm completely boring. ^_^; I mean, I get along with most of them, but getting along isn't the same as being able to strike up conversation with them. Of course, me being all quiet around them probably makes them think I'm some antisocial freak. Ah well.