One Who Wanders (abiona) wrote,
One Who Wanders
abiona

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Several of my dreams recently have featured scenes which I found disturbing, in which I successfully manipulated people who couldn't fight back, so to speak, for my own ends. One dream also found me behind the wheel of a large gray car (although, true to life, I didn't know how to drive), and I committed various driving sins, including some amazingly illegal left turn which left me panicked and surprisingly alive. I think one of the reasons why I never really rode horses despite loving them to death is because I was afraid that I could not control them. Accordingly, in the part of this dream with me in the car, breaking was hell and I was very scared that I could not make the car stop before the stoplight. (I did, but not gracefully or well.)

Today, we went to go see Steven et. al., at a family "party" of sorts that didn't really feel like a party at all (we were the only people who showed up ... >.>;). Steven is part of a band (they have a website at http://www.firstcirclemusic.com ), and the band was (of course) there with him, since they had just finished their tour and were taking a break of sorts before going to Minnesota and heading back to California.

It's amazing how outclassed I felt. I didn't feel terrible, but more out of place, useless, out of my league/depth. I was sitting amongst a group of people who could talk about music and art both intelligently and eloquently, and all I could do was sit and look from person to person, wishing I was somewhere else. Every time someone tried to say something positive about me or about my sketchbook (I had taken out my sketchbook and started drawing so that I wouldn't have to look like I was into the conversation which scared me with its passion), I automatically contradicted them, saying "no I'm not," "well, I try ..." or "she's biased," things of that nature. I felt guilty because I knew they were right when they were talking about school as a place to experiment without having to feel the pressures of making money to pay rent and so on, but despite knowing this I still couldn't get myself worked up about being at school for art.

I think I am at a disadvantage because I cannot get passionate about anything publically. I cannot ooze interest and speak endlessly on how I love what I do, or how I learn from what I love, or whatever. I'm just ... there, because I am.

I've also been terribly obsessed with money lately, since I heard my mother speaking of our house's mortgage. I don't have much information, and they've always dealt with these sort of things, but I can't help but be worried, even though my worry is useless worry.

Sakaki - ::looks down at school supplies:: Is it okay to be getting these things?
Mother - It will all work out.
Sakaki - ... will it be troublesome?
Mother - ::pause:: Not if we don't spend three hundred dollars, no.

I wonder if Paul likes me as a person, or if he just accepts me/deals with me because I'm related to my mother and will soon be out of the house. I don't know why I had this thought so suddenly (and so belatedly), but it's been bothering me since I've had it.
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