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11 October 2002 @ 11:40 am
I am a liar, a coward.
I am manipulative.
I am lazy and selfish.
I am abusive and hurtful.

If Amarant, at this point, has slightly less HP than Zidane (who has somewhere over 1000), then why is it that when I was fighting him, when I was doing 1000+ damage to him with each hit, it took so many hits to beat him? From the HP that I see when I've got him in my party, I should've knocked him out flat in one blow. ._.

This is completely silly, but I really don't like the way Amarant looks on the field with Zidane, Vivi, and Eiko. ^_^; He's just this big hulking mass of ... hands and hair. o_o I'll keep Garnet with me for awhile longer, at least. Right now, I find her a whole heckuva lot more useful than Amarant (I don't know where Quina ran off to ...). I miss FFVII's PHS system. ^^; I miss materia too, but I'm getting better with the abilities that people can learn. I wish Trance was more like a Limit Break in the sense that you can avoid using it in order to save it for the next battle ... but it just happens, even when you don't really need it, and then it is wasted. XP

I don't know what it is about Kuja, but I don't like him ... and I don't get why everyone cosplays as him, either. XP ::muses:: How can I like Sephiroth, but not like Kuja? I have absolutely no idea. I'll have to think on the matter, or finish the game (I just finished disc two), or both.

Why are there things that ask me for ore? And does that crazy trivia dude ever show up again? I "failed miserably," and I thought he was going to kill me ... but he gave me some gil anyway. XD

So, I chalked the walk yesterday morning for about two and a half hours. I was crouching more and in longer stretches than I've ever crouched before, and pulling some interesting positions in order to avoid smearing the chalk I had already put down ... and I'm definitely feeling it in my hips today. x_x

I wound up drawing Charlotte and Meier Link from Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust. I had originally intended to draw D, but "black" chalk wasn't available, and I couldn't bear to attire D in cafeteria cake brown. ^_^; As it is, we now have the most pastel/flourescent rendition of Bloodlust characters that I've ever seen (I've taken a couple of pictures of parts of it ... couldn't get far enough away to get the whole thing in ... will develop film once I actually take 22 shots of something else. XP) on the sidewalk. I'm pretty sure that I spent more time on ours than anyone else spent on theirs ... you can tell ... you can also tell that I am an art major. lol. But we didn't win ... in fact, we were defeated by two pieces that I don't believe should've gone over us. (We did get $25 for our efforts. XP)

I'm not really upset ... but I am a bit miffed, mostly because I don't understand just what the judging requirements/criteria were, nor who judged the chalk the walk entries. I'm also a bit miffed because I don't believe I can bring the subject up to anyone, having been the person to draw our entry. I suspect favoritism may play an unconscious part of it ... because our club is not very well known and the movie we selected "obscure," while those that won over us are sororities which are favorites on campus. There's apparently been a bit of a tussle already about the objectivity of the judges in a talent show screening, so it seems like this may be likely.

"Wonderfully" is apparently a very relative term. I got a B on my portfolio ... missing an A by one point. >.<; My score on "technical skill" was low (a 7), probably because of my heavy stylization when using gesture. I guess a B is "good," but ... grr! I must get better! I must learn more! I need to get better grades, so my GPA doesn't die. ;_; I'm afraid of failure, so afraid.

I attended an art show last night for the students who had gone on the Southwest Immersion Trip over the summer (I couldn't attend, because I was in surgery at the time). They had some very lovely pieces there ... and while I was there, a teacher brought up the fact that they were starting to look into a study abroad trip in Hong Kong.

I was kind of excited, but also kind of worried. It's an English-speaking school, apparently, so we would not be required to learn another language ... it would be like a bubble in a different culture and not total immersion, and that's not what I want. I don't want to go to another land to remain as monolingual as I am now. I don't want to go and be unable to speak to anyone outside the bubble. If I'm going to go, I want to go all out! Language is a part of culture.

I'm also kind of hesitant on the inside ... because Japanese culture and art is really what I would love to study, and although I realize that the Japanese are highly influenced by Chinese culture, there are still things which are "Japanese" in mindset alone. But they started looking into this trip because of me ... and I'm afraid that if I don't go, I will never be able to visit Asia at all.

I've realized why I collect blank books, despite the fact that I don't need as many of them as I possess. I identify with the blank book in the sense that it is blank in both positive and negative ways - blank in the sense of possibility, but also blank in the sense of nothingness. Oftentimes, when I sit, I find that my mind has nothing but a void; it discovers by sitting that there is nothing it wants to think. But it is not a meditative peace ... it is generally more anxious, restless, worried.

Most of you know by now that I often pop in and out of conversation, and usually I don't bother with greetings or formalities ... I just start wherever I left off, or wherever else seems good enough. With friends, my conversation is a continual thing - it never really ends, it pauses until I or the other party returns. Even the absence is part of a conversation.

kirai: I'm just not used to friendships that are so casual, so I guess I'm at fault.
ChopstickDucky: No, it's not your fault. ^_^ There's no blame to be placed in this situation.

I've never thought of myself as being "casual" in this respect. Since I've been aware of my conversational habits, I've always interpreted them as a sign of a comfort or a trust that I have in the other individual ... since if I didn't possess some measure of trust or friendship, I would likely not be speaking at all, or speaking very little. I don't always say things of wisdom or worth, but who does? I will always try my best to be there when I am needed. I don't know if I will be adequate support ... ::shudders thinking of a past experience:: ... but I will always try my very best. I consider loyalty one of my virtues.
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: Arslan Senki - Kutsuato No Hana
Giang (yang)cometeoraine on October 11th, 2002 11:29 am (UTC)
The ones that popped into your battles and requests for ores and such are friendly opponents that gives you either lots of AP or some items, to the best of my memory. And the trivia guy gives you 1000 gil (as you might have known already) when you answer the questions correctly and if you answer all ten questions correctly all the ten possible time that you meet him, then he'll give you something good-item-wise, I don't want to ruin it for you *^^*. If you missed one or more, then you won't get the best item. I usually hunt the trivia guy down when there's a circular forest part and meets the friendly opponents on new forest area on new continents that you get to travel on. Is that confusing? I love these encounters xD.
One Who Wanders: amusedabiona on October 11th, 2002 12:42 pm (UTC)
... aww ... I've already missed four of the questions. ^^;

Does he have a name?
Giang (yang)cometeoraine on October 11th, 2002 05:38 pm (UTC)
I don't remember his name...he tells you after all the questions are answered...I think, and then he gives you an item regardless of how many you get right, the item depends on how many questions you answer correctly. When I encounter him and answer one wrong, I usually reset the game to get it right next time xD.
HEADCLEANER: Liberi Fataliantitype on October 11th, 2002 12:53 pm (UTC)
Since I've been aware of my conversational habits, I've always interpreted them as a sign of a comfort or a trust that I have in the other individual ...

I'm sorry I misunderstood. I understand you a little better now, and I appreciate knowing that you feel comfortable enough with me to carry on that sort of continual conversation, as if I'm sort of 'always there'. Now that I've had some time to think about it, that's a really nice way of looking at friendship...

Oh, and FFIX. ^^; I agree about Trance mode... I wish you could reserve it for a battle where it would actually be USEFUL, rather than having some dinky monster kick Zidane into Trance just before the battle ends. :B Argh.

Also, I agree about Kuja, for the most part (don't worry, I won't spoil)... I like some of his back story, which I won't go into at this point, but he's just too much of a drama queen. :P
SD: Happysado_nishi on October 12th, 2002 02:55 am (UTC)
I liked Kuja a lot better than Sephiroth... But that's probably cause I didn't like Sephiroth. ::waits to get screamed at by Sakaki:: To me Sephiroth was a very cliche "I am GOD!" type of villain. "And I will kill innocent characters to piss you players off!" ^_^; Kuja amused me more. And yes, I liked his back story too.
SD: Smilesado_nishi on October 12th, 2002 03:05 am (UTC)
I think... You chat like me. I don't get weirded out or feel uncomfortable by silences or pauses. I just talk when I want to, and most people I talk to talk when they want to. With greetings though, sometimes I use them, sometimes I don't... I guess it depends on the person I'm talking to.