One Who Wanders (abiona) wrote,
One Who Wanders
abiona

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I feel like a stalker.

Sakaki: Laundry, brb.
Ryan: I guess you're old then. I'm 15. Nice to meet you.. you. And okay ^_^

I am vastly amused by the fact that you made a connection between doing laundry and "being old," because I've been doing my laundry (and the laundry for my family when I am at home) for many years now.

After making a forced return from my willful hiatus from the world of television, I am amazed that the Menards guy is still alive. He must be as tough as the products he advertises!

In the course of a solitary week, I've lost three lipglosses (including my two favorites, a melon one, and a strawberries and cream one. ;_;). What's up with this? >.< I feel like I'm losing things ... forgetting important things ... putting too many things off until the last minute, when I can only get them done in the worst way. I feel like I am relying on the critiques in my Design Orientation class as an excuse not to get things done on time. "What're your suggestions for the background ...? I was thinking ..."

Today has been, on the whole, a negative day. It really has no outside or clear reasons for being such ... my activities were as they always were, the sky was blue, the wind gentle. The cafeteria had AppleJacks, and I actually sat with people whom I found interesting and could talk to. So why has it been so terrible?

This morning, I woke up at eight under my own steam, thinking that it was ten, and I could not return to bed. Opening up my projects, I found that I could not focus, could not think of what I wanted to do. When I did come up with an idea, I was awash in perfectonistic inability to begin. So I played FFIX instead, but I could not be happy with it, because I kept on feeling as though there were other things that I should've been doing.

Lately, in my figure drawing, I've been having extreme problems with correctly visualizing the form, and unpleasant exaggerations and deformities run rampant in everything I do, from 90-second gesture to longer pieces. I don't know where this has come from ... it's like something has broken. I feel like I haven't been so bad at drawing the form since before I started taking art classes here.

During class today, things seemed to trip me, seemed to blind me, seemed to beat me. "I feel stuck," "everything in my hands are things of habit," "there is a block." I can't see. I seem to have reached a massive, massive wall, which I am having the utmost emotional and physical difficulty scaling. Does the source of this problem come from my conflicting hopes and goals? I want to overcome it so badly ... why are my hands defying me so? Why do I put out bad drawings, work of habit, without even realizing?

Walking home from class, I felt like crying, and my breathing was irregular. It has been quite awhile since I've had to expend effort in order to avoid crying ... oh ... I felt so disappointed in myself, in my art. I feel so blocked. I feel so stuck. I'm getting scared, because I feel like I'm producing crap, and I know my grades will reflect the junk that comes from my hands. I'm scared, because I don't know what to do with myself.

It's so hard to look at art on the web right now ... because it is what I want to do, and yet it isn't. I want to be an artist. I want to be the best that I can be. I want to learn. I want to change. For who and for what, I cannot yet tell. But I am going to be the best person I can be for myself and for others. But I can't find a way to align these goals with that of a webartist! Do I want to be a webartist, in my heart? Or is it just something that I am falling back on, because I worry that I may not be able to be an "artist" in real life? Am I falling back on it because it is what I've known for the longest time? Am I afraid, somewhere on the inside, to stretch out towards something new?

Where the hell did that happiness with everything that I was experiencing earlier go?




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