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03 November 2002 @ 04:08 pm
I said that I wouldn't play FFVIII today, but I lied. XDXD Although I have touched the controller, I've also been somewhat productive! If you glance over to my left, you'll see that I've done a grand total of five loads of laundry today! I would do more, but I just don't have anywhere else to put the wet clothes. X3 I'll start my homework after dinner! ::waves hands and laughs::

FFVIII cracks me up. For the concert-thing, I had Selphie on violin, Irvine on guitar, Quistis on electric guitar, and Zell was tap dancing, which was awesome! The song was annoying that way, but it was still all awesome and extremely amusing. I had a great time with that.

I've just come up with a cosplay idea so horrible, Final Fantasy fans without a sense of humor will probably kill me in my sleep. It is ... the total opposite of the character, to say the least, and yet it is somehow bizarrely amusing to me. At the moment, there are other things I'd rather do first, though ... so I don't know if I'll get around to it anytime soon (and given my procrastination history, this could easily turn into "never"). It'll be interesting to see if someone else comes up with the same idea sooner or later.

So, the Halloween dance was Friday night. We decided during the dance that it wasn't so much a "Halloween dance" as it was a big excuse for us all to get together and have a large, important-looking Dimensions party. : D I think it turned out very well - it looked great, we had a nice DJ, and we all had a good time.

I avoided the guy whom I think still has a crush on me. Yes, he's cute, but I'm just not interested in him, nor am I equal right now to dealing with all the issues that he's got. I wonder if he's angry that I did that ...?

I won "Cutest" by a narrow margin (and probably only because people thought I was Little Bo Peep ... though I had no sheep), and traded my prizes (and a big plastic carving knife) for a fuzzy pumpkin plush, who will be known as "Mr. Fuzzy Pumpkin" until I come up with something better.

The LARP was fairly disastrous for me last night. As an RPer, I was pissed about the entire ordeal they put me through, because I had no control and no say in what happened to my character. They were controlling her, and forcing her into situations which she would never, ever have gotten into otherwise. I was frightened because for the first time ever, masses of people were paying attention. They circled around closely like vultures, "video taping," and generally being obnoxious, oppressive bastards about it. I was angry because there were many, many other, more in character ways to rid my character of her high Humanity rating, but they refused to listen to me, and they forced anyone who tried to intervene into the "pornographic orgy" (including my in-character brother, after flinging him up against a wall for trying to help me. My brother, who was trying to protect me, but because he was weak as well, and because they wanted to have things their way, they forced him into it). I was angry because they didn't listen. I was angry because they were so much more powerful than me, and they knew that my character was weak, and they took advantage of that. I had no chance in any fight against them ... I couldn't defend myself against this. My character was helpless, and they abused that! I was humiliated because they were using my character, raping my character in so many ways ... emotionally, physically, morally ... and forcing me to hear their graphic descriptions of scenes that made me as a person, a character, and an RPer feel very, very uncomfortable. I was horrified because they thought both in and out of character all of this was funny. To them, raping my character was funny. And it wasn't just once - they followed me around, like a very dark, ominous, looming monster.

I was also upset with myself because I tried to run away, and when everyone called out, I came back. Because I thought that "here's my ductus whom my character trusts completely calling her back," because "in the LARP rules, you can't just walk away like this," and because I was frustrated, flustered, and couldn't think of what else I could do. I knew that I should've just gone away. I should've just walked away like I had wanted to and not have looked back, but I did.

Finally, after God knows how long of this, the gentleman playing my character's pack leader noticed that I seemed to be acting out of character, and that something was wrong. I was sitting, back against a pillar, head hidden in my arms, musing over these events to myself. I knew one thing for certain - my character would want only one thing after all this hell - to die. And die she would, because as an RPer I was insulted and just plain pissed off. I didn't want to deal with this shit ever again. Anyway, he sent over the guy who plays the pack priest, who I thought was coming to drag me over to those guys again. So, back in character, I struggled with him and began crying out "just let me die, just let me die," whereupon he tried to use his powers of heightening/calming emotion to calm me down. But both in character and out of character I was so upset, it failed miserably. XD I burst into tears!

One of the guys came upstairs later and apologized to me, saying that he was used to dealing with more "hardened" players ... and now, I remember one of the women they dragged into the whole ordeal, who was definitely a "hardened" player who had been in the game for ages ... and she was pissed about being forced to be involved "in such shit," to use her words. He seemed like a nice enough guy out of character, but as angry and as upset about everything as I was, I just blurted out "stay away from me," and backed away. I didn't want him near me or my character.

Mushashi, one of the templars, said that he was sorry about that, but that it was funny. I disagreed and laughed uneasily as he reiterated that point, and then we walked away. I wanted to say, "Mushashi-san, it was funny to you only because you weren't in the center of it. It was funny to you because you have a character of such status and power, one who is capable of defending himself. To me, it was frighening, humiliating, disgusting, degrading, and annoying."

Fortunately, the entire incident has been stricken from the records, so in the continuity of the game world, it never happened. This is a good thing, because otherwise my character would be continually attempting to commit suicide or get herself killed. Actually, I don't care what anyone said about that or any game rules - I would've killed her myself before the next LARP and have come back as someone else.

I actually don't like this LARP concept that they use very much (it's a Sabbat game of ... Vampire the Masquerade?). It's too obsessively angsty and negative. It's so "messed up" it feels constricting, and it provides the wrong people with opportunities to feel powerful and to give in to desires that they could not normally get away with.

Sometimes people disgust me.
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: The Sins of Thy Beloved - All Alone
HEADCLEANER: Evil Eyeantitype on November 3rd, 2002 01:25 pm (UTC)
LARP scares me.
One Who Wanders: scaredabiona on November 3rd, 2002 02:15 pm (UTC)
It's not the LARP which scares me, it's some of the people who are LARPing.
HEADCLEANER: Divineantitype on November 3rd, 2002 02:33 pm (UTC)
Yeah.. I guess LARP could be interesting if it was done with the right people.. The people you were with don't really sound like people I'd enjoy being around. I've never personally been comfortable with roleplaying of any kind (outside of console RPGs, which are completely different) for some reason. Some people seem to enjoy becoming a character they've created, but it only makes me feel.. like.. I don't exist. I don't enjoy it at all.
ex_jean on November 3rd, 2002 01:36 pm (UTC)
Dude, that was just messed up. It's one thing for people to be tough on your character for the sake of experience, but I think all that was just uncalled for. And I don't care what "in character" thing they have going at the time -- they still have a responsibility as people to keep themselves in check.

If it's any comfort, there's two reasons for such idiocy: 1) These people just get their jollies because in real life they don't have that kind of power. 2) Someone probably did the same thing to them once and they're too stupid to stop the cycle.

This is the main reaason I didn't get into roleplay... everybody kept screwing with me and my character. One time it got so bad that I just handed the leader my character sheet and said, "Fuck you guys. Here, take this... you control her more than I do, so she's yours." After that... well... I've basically never done it again. It really makes you feel like crap.
Dominiedomkitty on November 3rd, 2002 02:47 pm (UTC)
I know the feeling. Many years back (very many years!) my friends and I RP'd at every opportunity. Me being me, I always chose to be the sweet and gentle characters. As a result I tended to get saddled with the 'weakling who needs constant protection' status. I was treated like a china doll and led around the game by a rope. It pissed me off after a while. Even at that young an age (we're thinking about 10-ish here) the problem that society as a whole has with the idea that 'pacifist' is not synonomous with either 'weak' or 'vulnerable' was expressing itself.

I'm reluctant to RP at all now. It always ends with my character getting caught up in some petty power struggle.
ex_jean on November 3rd, 2002 04:09 pm (UTC)
And isn't it ironic that if you try to make your character tougher (which would be a natural change of personality given the circumstances), that people say, "You can't do that?"

This is the very reason my healer-type people always develop self-serving "DIE PLZKTHX" attitudes. XD
Dominiedomkitty on November 3rd, 2002 04:34 pm (UTC)
Yes! In one game I tried to be strong and assertive, the original superbitch, and the next thing I knew I had been 'posessed by an evil witch' to directly quote from the game log. This was how they accounted for my apparent OOC-ness? Genius! -_-* The focus of the game miraculously shifted to my guardian (I ALWAYS ended up with a protector of some sort, thus reinforcing the concept of my character being unable to cope alone) and his valiant attempts to exorcise me. It was quite a fun story to play through, in retrospect, but I couldn't escape the feeling of not being able to develop my character. I was ALWAYS thrust into the stereotypical 'maid in want of a hero' role.

I wish I'd kept some of the logs. You'd die laughing ^_^