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14 December 2002 @ 09:05 pm
Without advance notice, I won't be there.  
It's strange. I began today feeling ok, and the longer it went on, the worse it got. Sometimes I felt good, but right now I'm feeling absolutely cruddy ... one of the interesting things about long posts is that it allows you to get things out of your system as you write, and enables you to go back and fix the stuff you wrote when you were less than able. I began this post frustrated and angry, and now I am sad and crying. Perhaps not much of a positive progression, but with few exceptions I tend to be much more in control of my typing when in tears than when in fury.

I think tonight was possibly one of the most frustrating nights that I've had in awhile ... not because of people, or because of bad things happening, but just because of me and issues that I have with myself. I would much rather call someone to discuss this in person, but I have no one at the moment who I would feel comfortable calling or can, for one reason or another. This is when I miss having a best friend most ... one of the greatest things about having a best friend is that you can contact them at any time, even late at night.

It's been some years since my last best friend and I grew apart, yet I still remember her home phone number, address, and the color of her front door. The last time I visited her at her college, I felt like I was somehow intruding ... she had new friends, a new way of life ... it was a new world in which I had little place. I was only a screenname on AIM and a handful of odd memories that few people would ever understand.

I feel distanced from many people now, and have for years. But it is the loss of her company to other people that I have resented the most. When we were so close, it didn't matter how many other people hated me, or how I was isolated. As long as she was there, I was not alone. I had an ally in a world which I gazed upon with hatred. Looking back, I know I annoyed her at times, got in her way, and caused her to be isolated herself. It is true that she made the conscious decision to leave "popularity" in order to avoid becoming what she hated, but I was her catalyst.

I miss having someone who puts up with me. I miss having someone to talk to whenever and whereever, I miss being able to grab my keys, run down the street, and be greeted by a surprised but friendly face. I miss having someone to be a complete idiot with. I miss having a person who will back me up (however embarassed) when I take jokes and make them reality.

A funny thing is ... even though she was my only best friend ... I was her second. She had greater emotional attachment to another girl, who didn't really know me all that well ... and I felt out of place being there with the both of them. They had their handful of odd memories that I could not understand or be a part of, though sometimes I tried. Though they accomodated my attempts, I don't think they had the same significance to them as their own bond did.

Though school once brought us together, it soon took us apart. I delved into art as she became preoccupied with sciences and maths, a subject which I could not help her with or talk to her about (except when I was asking/begging for help from her, which made me feel pathetic). As she succeeded and I began to fall, she found new friends with whom she had a better time, as I became less and less good as company. Envy, depression; people who tolerated my presence simply because I was who I was and I was a friend of hers, and not necessarily because they liked who I was.

She was valedictorian of our class, and I graduated sixth. Everyone took pictures of everyone, and I brought none of them to school with me later that year.


What is a "crush" to you ...? As I think about it, it is no longer a "crush" for me. Each time I see him, I am reminded not of how I would like to know more about him, but rather how lonely I am at times. I saw him twice today, but the only thing I could think of doing was to smile and walk away.

Well ... back to the present. I have been at Kirkland for five hours today, but I have gotten very little done (again), which worries me, and that makes my subtle anxiety worse. I was planning on being horribly productive ... for I lack neither ideas nor thoughts of how to put these things together. But today ... it was just so hard to find any motivation for doing these things. The only thing I could come up with was my old dogged determination to get something done (even if not well), which was not acceptable to me for these pieces. I am afraid to start on any of my other drawings, lest I screw them up somehow as well.

I spent some time calculating my grade in my figure drawing class, and the results only made me less wont to work as hard as I could, because they made the cause seem somehow hopeless.

100 - 90 points for the entire semester is an A.

I received 26.5 points on the 2nd portfolio.
I received 26.0 points on the 1st portfolio (I think, can't find the paper).
These give me 52.5 points total.

These are the portfolios that I worked my butt off for and did the best work I possibly could at the time and given the techniques. Both these grades are a B (by .5 point and 1 point, respectively). I am assuming that I will do somewhat worse on this 3rd portfolio due Monday, but (hopefully) not too much worse. Therefore, I shall estimate 25 points for the final portfolio.

That gives me 77.5 points. This is the lowest of the low Bs. If I am incorrect about my first portfolio grade, I will have a 76.5, which is a C.

There are a possible 10 points for in-class attitude and whatnot. If I am assigned all 10 points (which I think I should be, but he may not agree), I will receive 88.5 points. That's 1.5 points away from a goddamned A, and there are no opportunities for extra credit. -_-
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: "Holding My Thoughts in My Heart," FFVII
HEADCLEANER: Holding My Thoughts in My Heartantitype on December 14th, 2002 07:38 pm (UTC)
::Cues up the appropriate icon.::

What is a "crush" to you ...? As I think about it, it is no longer a "crush" for me. Each time I see him, I am reminded not of how I would like to know more about him, but rather how lonely I am at times.

I think a crush is what we feel when we're attracted to someone without knowing anything about them. We may or may not be feeling lonely at that time, but if we are, we're likely to make our crush seem like something more than it is and we develop premature feelings for the object of our desire. I give in to crushes sometimes when I find myself being attracted to someone, but I try to keep in mind that I don't KNOW them yet, so I can't possibly have any real feelings for them. I think it's pretty essential for a couple to be friends for a while before actually engaging in a romantic relationship, lest they end up facing conflicts of interests, emotions, ethics, beliefs, etc. Friendship allows a true foundation to take form, and the more intimate relationship can be built upon that. That seems to make the most sense to me, anyway...

I guess that's the real struggle with crushes, though. Do you feel attracted to this person because you see something in him that you want to be with, or are you just lonely? Or maybe it's both... You'll never know unless you curb your emotions enough to just talk to him, though. (Presuming you haven't already.)

One Who Wanders: blahabiona on December 14th, 2002 08:23 pm (UTC)
I am partially attracted to him because he is a musician, something which has many layers of meaning to me ... something which would take a damn long while to explain if I could, most likely. XP

I have only spoken to him once. I only encounter him in the cafeteria, which is possibly one of the worst places for me to hold a conversation. The accoustics are terrible in there ... there's a lot of background noise ... which usually makes it nearly impossible for me to accurately hear what's going on when I am talking to someone. I usually wind up seeming really "out of it" due to lots of non-committal responses to questions I could've answered had I heard them or because it took me at least two or three tries to understand what was being said, "boring" because I seem very silent, or "awkward" because I often raise my voice to ensure that I can be heard ... instinctively gauging this "can be heard" by how much I'm hearing from them.
jaekyu on December 15th, 2002 01:26 am (UTC)
Ah, Sakaki. Don't ever play second fiddle in a friendship, it's beneath you.
As for that crush, why don't you invite him somewhere where you two can talk to each other a little more clearly, eh? Unless a coincidental meeting of shoujo-manga proportions befalls you, you'll never get a chance to make an impression on this guy.
Diminuendo Arpeggioamir03 on December 15th, 2002 06:30 pm (UTC)
Ugh, lunchrooms. I think I ate my first meal in a lunchroom just last week. Those places are the worst. So many... humans. Pitiful humans. They should all die. =D

Anyway, I think a "crush" is a self-imposed inaccurate, incomplete, or biased; and extremely - perhaps unreasonably - affectionate perspective on an individual.
SD: Smilesado_nishi on December 16th, 2002 09:41 pm (UTC)
I agree.

I didn't use to, though. Cause once I became extremely good friends with someone (even if it's a guy), I just wouldn't be able to picture myself getting into a romantic relationship with him. I was afraid of losing that close friendship we have, afraid of ruining it with a relationship, since relationships always seem a lot more fragile. But then I realize it's actually not a bad thing, because like Bri says, it's actually better... And crushes aren't like that. Crushes don't develop or evolve, they just... happen. ^_^;

At least that's my opinion.
fcotte davydde hammehacque, esq.: california dreaminczircon on December 14th, 2002 09:37 pm (UTC)
A crush is someone whose novelty hasn't worn off yet.
Elizabethtsukitty on December 14th, 2002 10:03 pm (UTC)
my brain is way to fried right now to give the long comment here about how much I feel for ya so does a hug suffice? *HUGGLES*
One Who Wanders: burned outabiona on December 14th, 2002 10:34 pm (UTC)
Hugs work well! ::huggles::

... and the login info for Cheezitmaiden would be awesome too. : P Hopefully I can work on it when I'm at home for Winter Break ...