One Who Wanders (abiona) wrote,
One Who Wanders
abiona

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Without advance notice, I won't be there.

It's strange. I began today feeling ok, and the longer it went on, the worse it got. Sometimes I felt good, but right now I'm feeling absolutely cruddy ... one of the interesting things about long posts is that it allows you to get things out of your system as you write, and enables you to go back and fix the stuff you wrote when you were less than able. I began this post frustrated and angry, and now I am sad and crying. Perhaps not much of a positive progression, but with few exceptions I tend to be much more in control of my typing when in tears than when in fury.

I think tonight was possibly one of the most frustrating nights that I've had in awhile ... not because of people, or because of bad things happening, but just because of me and issues that I have with myself. I would much rather call someone to discuss this in person, but I have no one at the moment who I would feel comfortable calling or can, for one reason or another. This is when I miss having a best friend most ... one of the greatest things about having a best friend is that you can contact them at any time, even late at night.

It's been some years since my last best friend and I grew apart, yet I still remember her home phone number, address, and the color of her front door. The last time I visited her at her college, I felt like I was somehow intruding ... she had new friends, a new way of life ... it was a new world in which I had little place. I was only a screenname on AIM and a handful of odd memories that few people would ever understand.

I feel distanced from many people now, and have for years. But it is the loss of her company to other people that I have resented the most. When we were so close, it didn't matter how many other people hated me, or how I was isolated. As long as she was there, I was not alone. I had an ally in a world which I gazed upon with hatred. Looking back, I know I annoyed her at times, got in her way, and caused her to be isolated herself. It is true that she made the conscious decision to leave "popularity" in order to avoid becoming what she hated, but I was her catalyst.

I miss having someone who puts up with me. I miss having someone to talk to whenever and whereever, I miss being able to grab my keys, run down the street, and be greeted by a surprised but friendly face. I miss having someone to be a complete idiot with. I miss having a person who will back me up (however embarassed) when I take jokes and make them reality.

A funny thing is ... even though she was my only best friend ... I was her second. She had greater emotional attachment to another girl, who didn't really know me all that well ... and I felt out of place being there with the both of them. They had their handful of odd memories that I could not understand or be a part of, though sometimes I tried. Though they accomodated my attempts, I don't think they had the same significance to them as their own bond did.

Though school once brought us together, it soon took us apart. I delved into art as she became preoccupied with sciences and maths, a subject which I could not help her with or talk to her about (except when I was asking/begging for help from her, which made me feel pathetic). As she succeeded and I began to fall, she found new friends with whom she had a better time, as I became less and less good as company. Envy, depression; people who tolerated my presence simply because I was who I was and I was a friend of hers, and not necessarily because they liked who I was.

She was valedictorian of our class, and I graduated sixth. Everyone took pictures of everyone, and I brought none of them to school with me later that year.

...

What is a "crush" to you ...? As I think about it, it is no longer a "crush" for me. Each time I see him, I am reminded not of how I would like to know more about him, but rather how lonely I am at times. I saw him twice today, but the only thing I could think of doing was to smile and walk away.

Well ... back to the present. I have been at Kirkland for five hours today, but I have gotten very little done (again), which worries me, and that makes my subtle anxiety worse. I was planning on being horribly productive ... for I lack neither ideas nor thoughts of how to put these things together. But today ... it was just so hard to find any motivation for doing these things. The only thing I could come up with was my old dogged determination to get something done (even if not well), which was not acceptable to me for these pieces. I am afraid to start on any of my other drawings, lest I screw them up somehow as well.

I spent some time calculating my grade in my figure drawing class, and the results only made me less wont to work as hard as I could, because they made the cause seem somehow hopeless.

100 - 90 points for the entire semester is an A.

I received 26.5 points on the 2nd portfolio.
I received 26.0 points on the 1st portfolio (I think, can't find the paper).
These give me 52.5 points total.

These are the portfolios that I worked my butt off for and did the best work I possibly could at the time and given the techniques. Both these grades are a B (by .5 point and 1 point, respectively). I am assuming that I will do somewhat worse on this 3rd portfolio due Monday, but (hopefully) not too much worse. Therefore, I shall estimate 25 points for the final portfolio.

That gives me 77.5 points. This is the lowest of the low Bs. If I am incorrect about my first portfolio grade, I will have a 76.5, which is a C.

There are a possible 10 points for in-class attitude and whatnot. If I am assigned all 10 points (which I think I should be, but he may not agree), I will receive 88.5 points. That's 1.5 points away from a goddamned A, and there are no opportunities for extra credit. -_-
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