One Who Wanders (abiona) wrote,
One Who Wanders

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Can't mention it ...

... because I fear that they will automatically increase my dose of Zoloft, or put me on something "stronger." But I do not believe that alone can solve everything, nor do I believe that a shortage of fix-the-brain-things is to blame for my recent moods.

Though my mind was twistedly racing, I eventually slept.

I haven't exactly been feeling up to snuff, although I'm not as sick as I have been in the past. It's certainly nothing that impedes my daily activities, for the most part, but the cough is beginning to become annoying and painful. I woke up at 2 a.m. Tuesday morning with parts of my respiratory system so full of mucus I could barely swallow, and the irrational part of my mind became paranoid, fearing that my throat would close up in my sleep. I coughed and drank some water, and was so drained that sleep overcame me anyway. Strange dreams came and went, and I woke up every hour on the hour until my alarm went off, whereupon I reset it for an hour later and crawled back into bed.

The morning shower that day was cold. Unpleasant. Tuesday night was a repeat, though I did not reset my alarm and the shower was much hotter this morning.

Sometimes, you make me reevaluate things ... and sometimes, I feel like I've been sent in a spiral, seeking out an answer I cannot find. Like Miyazawa Yukino of KareKano, I do not wish to think that the years I've spent doing what I am still doing have been a waste. Yet, you are right - some of the things I wish to do someday have no clear, direct college requirement.

I have to be obsessed with these issues, because I have been inundated with the "spirit of academia" for sixteen years now ... and you're correct once again - I can be very singleminded. It's natural for me to be panicked and upset when such a thing is called into question, though ... school is the environment in which I create my identity. If that is proved to be pointless or not worthwhile, then what am I?

Part of me has to stay in school because it is worried that if I stop going, I will stop drawing. I know how I am ... I am afraid of encountering more of the same politics elsewhere, am afraid of humiliating myself, am annoyed by people. I would hide and cease functioning.

Part of me has to stay in school because it is the only place where I interact with many people on a daily basis. The longer I go without speaking to others, the less capable I become of doing so. This part of me has to stay in school or some other working environment, because the longer I am out of one, the more I hate the people I never meet. I've recently redeveloped my paranoia that people in groups who are laughing are probably laughing at me. Silly, I know ... but it's the first thing that pops into my mind whenever I walk past a chipper group.

There's also a part of me which feels like I should immediately retreat altogether with as I used to do, and hide in books - read whenever I am not sleeping. Finish one book and pick up another, never speaking, reading while eating.

I wish I could offer this train of thought some conclusion, but it has yet to come to one. I still see some worth in what I do, and as I've said many times before - I promised to go through with it, and I will. I will see this path through to wherever it may lead.

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