One Who Wanders (abiona) wrote,
One Who Wanders
abiona

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Oy, I've been such a downer lately. o_o

I swear that I am not angsting right now, though I am suffering from an episode of depression-related lethargy. So here I sit instead of doing my homework, looking at the accumulating evidence which proves to me that I'm actually not as into my classes this semester as I was last semester. I've noticed that the week always seems longer and the workload looms ever larger even though it's stuff I can handle and have handled just fine before. I wake up Monday morning and curse.

In Class Voice, I find myself on edge and tense, unable to support my breathing properly. I can't quite figure out why I'm acting like this, because nobody here knows of my past. For all they know, the concepts that they speak of are new to me. Paranoid as I am of making a mistake, the logical part of my mind realizes that it's ok if I screw up, or if I sound horrible, because they know nothing of my years of experience. Indeed, I can afford to be awful right now. There is no reputation to maintain. I am not a music major, and my life does not ride on this. I need to be awful right now, because I must first make sound before I can get better. If I remain silent, it will always stay the same.

It will take time to reclaim what I once had; to defy my ill-gained habits of self-consciousness and self-deprecation. Somewhere inside of me, I have yet to realize that I am better than this.

Walking up the stairs, I finally put what had formerly been intangible into words ... it isn't fun when you always doubt yourself and your decisions. Even when I'm doing things to ensure that I get better and become a better individual, I second-guess those activities and the reasoning behind them. Instead of saying that I made the choice, I say that I fell into the option because I am weak. I refer to my beliefs as delusions. This has begun to irritate me very much, because I want to say that I made the choice. I want to say to myself that I made the best decision I could and one that I believed in ... and I want myself to accept that for the truth.

This accuasation of weakness that I constantly fling at myself goads me, because I possess an inner strength which such accusations deny.

I am tired of regarding cynicism and skepticism as strengths, because in actuality, they undermine me more than anything else.

So, I'm trying to believe in what one of the choir directors says. "If it's wrong, SO BE IT!" I am trying to believe that my intention matters, and that my intention is honest and true. Even if I was wrong, I was trying to improve myself, my skills, and find my happiness. If I am proved wrong someday (it's actually been quite some time since I've made any blatant error), I must not relive that mistake over and over again in my mind. Instead, I must admit that I believed what I believed when I made that mistake, and I believed it through and through. It was an open, honest error. At worst, it was a lapse of judgement, not some vast flaw in my personality. And I must move on after coming to terms with my mistake and the consequences thereof, because it does no good to linger over these troubles. I want to take what comes in stride as best I can. If it comes, it comes. I will deal with it. I will live. Life moves on.

I'm particularly fond of the Brahms waltzes that we are singing in choir. During one of the songs today, I felt something come back. I wasn't hearing the voices of the leaders - those whom the choir could not do without, for their sections would falter and weaken without those key support voices. Instead, I was hearing my own voice, for I was one of the leaders. Though it only happened just this once ... it means that it is still within me.

I am singing again.

Though art trips me up, I am always trying.

Things will work out.
Tags: is your heart in the right place?
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