But here I am. I've downed two liters of Mountain Dew, and I could still fall asleep right here and now if I wanted to. Maybe caffeine affects my memory! That could explain why I completely zoned on my meeting at 9:00 ... though I was referencing my watch constantly to remember to check up on my laundry, the fact that the meeting was occuring never crossed my mind until about 10:30, when everyone would have been long gone.
Well, despite that, I've been reasonably productive this evening, which is good ... maybe I'm getting back on the right track. Sunday night was a rather nasty night as far as accomplishing things goes. Today, though, is different (at least, the evening has been). Besides making Ari visible to the world again in Okage: Shadow King*, I have completed the following tasks:
- made photocopies of selected pieces by Dine
- gathered up my recent work, hauled it all over to Kirkland, and spent an hour convincing my art history teacher to be my BFA application sponsor
- looked up names that my figure drawing professor gave me
- finished Buddhist Traditions reading
- read section of chapter dealing with the production of red blood cells
- scheduled two meetings for tomorrow (please, don't let me forget ... ;_;)
- washed and hung to dry a grand total of two loads of laundry
- completed the Op Art packet
- wrote this journal entry
- obtained a second volume of Hokusai from our library
The "draft" of my Hokusai paper remains to be completed this evening. It will be an extremely rough draft (little more than an outline, most likely ... the books I ordered from Amazon have yet to arrive), but I will have something to show tomorrow.
I think the library has given me a shorter checkout time on this particular book that I checked out tonight. This is probably because I now possess 50% of their resources on Hokusai, and also because I have borrowed six books by now.
I ::heart:: Amazon. Anybody want to buy me a book ...? Wishful thinking, I know, because you all are just about as broke as I am. ^_^ But hey, at least this wishlist is somewhat more realistic than my AGV one was ... no matter how much I longed for it to be, no one could ever procure a D or an Ashram for my birthday. LOL
These things are a matter of performance.
I believe that one reason why I am having difficulty in my classes as of late is that I have viewed them not as an environment in which I can freely screw up and learn, but as a performance (unfortunately, the looming arrival of my sophomore reviews and my BFA application only heighten this sensation). At times, I no longer learn - I am merely attempting to show my teachers that "I've got what it takes," that I'm "talented and dedicated." It is said that when you try to reach for something, you usually miss it completely.
I fear that if I fail to accomplish these things, they will stop me from taking the path I wish to pursue. I am aware that as the adage goes, there is more than one way to skin a cat. If they do bar me from taking the path I desire, then I shall simply have to work my way around them.
But I am still anxious, because I wish to avoid undue difficulty. These people have the potential to make my life very difficult, though they refuse to acknowledge this. I am anxious because I dislike rejection, particularly in an academic setting where I feel that I am on at least equal par with my fellow students.
I am worried because this is something I want to do. I always worry when my plans are somehow threatened, all the more so when I feel as though there is no real reason why they should be at risk. I want to be able to do many things in the future - since my current university is not equipped with the proper courses for the area of art history to which I aspire, I will accomplish another goal of mine here - graphic design. I will do this as a part of a more long-term goal, in which I obtain all the credentials necessary for admission into another program.
*Though I really do enjoy this game (Triste rocks!), I have two gripes about Okage: Shadow King . 1.), the music really gets to me in a negative way after awhile. Some of it is fun, but some of it is bloody annoying. 2.), the "dungeons" are horribly repetitive and boring. Find the urn, smash at it until it vanishes, repeat process three more times. Go to next floor which has now been opened up to you, stand on a glyph here and there, smash the urns, repeat ad infinitum, until you find the next Evil King and die. I pray you saved.