One Who Wanders (abiona) wrote,
One Who Wanders

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If I didn't care, I wouldn't be there every damn day.

I feel choked, irritated; am I truly slamming my head into a brick wall, or am I merely imagining the wall into existence?

He says (via my advisor) that what I need to do is really listen to his criticism, and try try try to put what he says into effect (so if I haven't been doing that, what have I been doing?). When he gives me names of artists, I need to look them up that very day, instead of doing other stuff that's due. I had interpreted this as a "suggestion" to look into this person or that person, giving me a bit more leeway as far as punctuality goes.

Though he hasn't spoken to me in awhile, I suspect that he thinks I don't care enough (???). My advisor has told me that for the next month, until sophomore reviews pass and I am accepted as a BFA, I have to go all out. No more stopping when I tire. I must keep going regardless of my energy level ... because I have to.

Part of me dreads going all out again, like I did in high school. I really screwed myself up by the end of high school ... year after year of giving, but not receiving in return; rest attained nothing and burnout was inevitable. True, it is only a month of it this time around, instead of four years ... but still, I worry.

But I have to. So will I do it?

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