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05 April 2003 @ 01:15 am
Resignation of the Innocent  
It occurred to me that some of you may be interested in the different stages of development that occur when I write these entries ... indeed, in anything I can claim authorship to, there is a pattern that leads to the "final product," so to speak. I thought I had a possible entry which I could use to show you this process, but re-reading what I had written in a strained state, I found it too blatantly, painfully emotional. So you shall have to wait for another day, if you are indeed curious.

Also, given recent events in my life, the way I utilize LJ functions will be changing somewhat. My journal will remain primarily public for all to read, but I have decided to make use of the friends filters in order to be able to address specific subjects that may be suitable for only one sort of audience (I have a list for the ladies only, for example).

"You are very innocent, and that is one of my reasons for loving you, but innocence is not always the easiest thing in the world to live with." The Tale of Genji, page 901.

Cx: Sayonara, Anne. Perhaps someday you'll understand it.
Sakaki: Don't say it so simply.
Cx: There's nothing other to be said
Sakaki: Then I'll see you again someday.
Cx signed off at 7:43:02 PM.

He once said that he wondered if I thought of him as anything other than "Cx," and after a brief conversation in which I asked if that bothered him, he said that he would think about it and tell me if he wanted something else. But now there will never be a later, because I cannot keep him here. I cannot cause others such pain, particularly not those who I hold as close friends.

So he is gone, again. I thought that if he stayed, time would take its course, and somehow, some way ... things would work out for the both of us, and we could remain friends. But it is killing him in ways that I cannot understand, and he said that if it continued, he would come to hate me.

When those bright blue Arial Bold letters appeared in such a simple statement - he "signed off at 7:43:02 PM" - I felt as though a door must have been closed forever. I hope that he will return someday, but now knowing the extent of his feelings, I am aware that I shouldn't continue seeking the impossible.

I can't help but be upset with this turn of events ... though I suppose it was inevitable. It troubles me that he had hidden it for so long, that I had always attributed what was going on to other causes. It saddens me that when he finally said something, I could say nothing, could do nothing. I could prevent neither one of us from feeling pain, anguish. In the end I was powerless.

I don't want to hear anymore how I am like a goddess. I don't want to be compared to one ever again, or at least not in the forseeable future. If I were truly such a goddess, I would be able to ease these sufferings, would be able to prevent such aches. If I were truly a goddess, I would not be so blind, so forever innocent. It seems that very few people understand just how restricting, how painful, the title of "goddess" really is. For the one who heaps such liberally, it is a mark of high praise. For the one underneath the weight of such a title ... it becomes forever harder to act as one is.


What does your first name mean?
Anne means "grace," while Elizabeth means "God's oath," or "oath of God."

What does your middle name mean?
I have no middle name. My parents decided that my first name was long enough!

What does your last name mean?
Something like "shepherd," I believe, in reference to our family's beginnings.

So what does your name mean when put together?
A graceful oath of God (the oath turned out to be a shepherd). A graceful oath of God, who guides you? A graceful oath that prevents you from getting eaten and makes sure you eat, given by God. A graceful oath of God, who happened to be a sheep-herder at the time of oath-making. Hmm ... ::ponders::

What would you have been named if you were the opposite gender?
Phillip Conrad.

Any other name oddities?
In a short-lived family tradition that only lasted two generations (the tradition, not the family), every male was supposed to have "Conrad" as their middle name. I'm very glad that I came along and prevented my parents from perpetuating this horrible mistake.

A random girl called earlier this evening and asked if I was getting the alcohol. No. No? Did I know where they could get some? No. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Who is this? This is Danielle. Hmm. Hmm. No, this is not really my area of expertise. Who is this? This is Anne. Not Mindi. She moved out a couple months ago. Hmm. Hmm. I think I dialed the wrong number. Good night! ::click::
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: night winds
Katenyxdae on April 5th, 2003 07:55 am (UTC)
livinghole on April 5th, 2003 09:43 am (UTC)
In its format, it was hiding the name of the flower - Isis...I'm not facetious enough to think that anyone could be given such a title...
One Who Wanders: calmabiona on April 5th, 2003 11:27 am (UTC)
It wasn't referring specifically to your work. This is something that I have felt and have been experiencing for some time.
Kain aka That Evil Guynanikore on April 5th, 2003 10:54 am (UTC)
My personal reaction to whatever I don't understand (and will not be bothered to understand) is a uniform:

"oooook whatever! *shrug*"

I think the least he could've done is put out a little white lie and say hey sorry I'm gonna realllll busy for awhile I'll give ya a ring sometime okay ok bye bye and then never call but noooooOOOOooo... yeah okay whatever
One Who Wanders: contemplativeabiona on April 5th, 2003 11:28 am (UTC)
No, he did that last time. I am glad that I have the truth.
Kain aka That Evil Guynanikore on April 5th, 2003 02:49 pm (UTC)
I kinda got the impression from the post that he sorta just let the bad feeling unexplained. To me, hiding a bad feeling altogether is definitely superior to airing some bad feeling and then doing some sortava cop-out by not explaining it before disappearing into the mist (the "perhaps you'll get it someday" business) and leaving you holding the proverbial bag.