You cannot separate the shadow self from your personality; rather you must learn to integrate all your facets, or suffer the consequences.
Class voice, in what cannot be a surprise to anyone, annoyed me again today. Having realized that this is actually not our last song to sing (there's another for a final, more "professional" recital at night), I spoke with her a second time about singing a song of my own choice, and again got nowhere. I suppose I simply fail to accept her arguments ... though I understand them well enough. I have to grant that she's being very even and cool when I bug her about this, but all the same I disagree with much of what she says.
What I shall rant about in the following paragraphs will probably come across as self-righteous to you ... but if you know me, you're aware that's not a conscious part of my personality. Right now, I feel as though I am trying to learn how to express confidence in my abilities without annoying people, so please bear with me as I work my way through via trial and error. This is along those lines, although it will always be bitchier than I intended, because in all honesty, I am really disappointed that I cannot sing some of these songs.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to go beyond the numbers, she says, nothing wrong at all with wanting to be challenged. But it's too late.
Bah humbug to that line of thought, I say! I don't believe that it's too late. (Given some of the intense week sessions I've put myself through before in order to master something right before a contest, this "quickness" of class is nothing.) I am familiar enough with each song I chose and am capable of pulling off nearly anything I choose. We're not even halfway through April yet, for cripes sakes! I can start now on a song I want in addition to the one I have to sing this time, and I'll continue it for the next time! But no.
"Had I known," she said, "that you had background in singing," things might have been different. Well, I'm telling you point blank now, so be flexible enough to deviate from your master plan just a little bit, will you? But she can't do that, because if she lets me choose my own song, then she has to let everybody. Bullshit. If you say that the reason you won't let 100 level students select their own pieces is because of inexperience, then follow through with that. If they are inexperienced, then that's that. If they are experienced though forced to sign up at a lower level because they are not officially a part of the school of music, then follow through with what you say! Change your ways!
I have been singing my entire life. I have been through formal, fairly strict training for seven years. Since watching my voice vanish and return, I have become well acquainted with what singing can do for me, with what I can do for it. I know my limits, and I know what will challenge me and expand my range and skill.
But challenge isn't really the point of this class. She said so.
She also kept on emphasizing performance polish to me, over and over again, repeating that the final song had to be selected from the ones we had "worked on" before, and taken to a new level. We, now knowing all the basics, have to add polish to the piece for performance.
It was hard not to make some bitter face when she was talking like this, was hard to look like I knew nothing and was interested in this new development. But behind my apparent guise of ineptness, I am a gal who has picked out and gone over every damn detail down to matching my shoes and earrings to the song I sing. I know polish. I have been trained in the art of polish. I am skilled in the art of elegantly handling details. My mother, my voice teachers, and my former accompanist (a professional pianist with a gusty personality and an affinity for accessories) would see to nothing less.
/rant, for now
I swear I'll find a more positive entry within myself soon. ::laughs::