dark little thing, deadpan, cynical, duh, trouble is afoot

secret machinations

Thinking about food.

You know how sometimes you can hear a thing so often, you become annoyed by it or find that it now has the opposite effect? "That's so bad for you!" "You're poisoning yourself." "You're making yourself worse." I've realized I'm tired of hearing it. I'm also extremely tired of hearing about the different ways food is bad for you. I find that when people say these sorts of things, I am even less inspired to "cook," "take care of myself," or whatever. I instinctively react against the repetitive statement that I'm already aware of but having a hard as hell time accomplishing, and I dig my heels in. So what? So what? So what? I'm still alive and eating enough to have a regular heavy period, which indicates to me that my diet could be worse. I sometimes want to say, "hey, at least I'm not drinking soda and chowing down on chips," but the way most people react to my diet, it seems that might be an improvement of sorts.

I don't like cooking. I don't like the heat. I don't like the knives. I hate the way raw meat feels. I've heard so damn many stories about food poisoning that I'm afraid of causing it because I forgot to wash this or left that out a little too long or forgot how long I cooked something for and didn't cook it long enough. I also have trouble keeping track of all the parts and the time required for each. "Start preparing this at when that is at a certain point" is challenging, because inevitably I find I have to focus on one thing, which causes me to forget that other component.

I find the dishes created to be overwhelming. The number of dirty dishes and the effort they require feel downright unreasonable when I consider that I'm only feeding myself. This directly relates to the fact that dishes are my number one most hated chore.

When I get home after work, I'm tired. With my current job/commute, I only arrive about two hours before I go to bed anyway, and as a lifelong habit, I usually try not to eat a few hours before I sleep. So if I have just a snack, what's the problem?

Frankly, nine times out of ten, I eat "something" to make the hunger go away.

But it's not just that.

Do I care if I am killing myself? Yes and no. On the one hand, it's certainly a scary thought. Most of us are not prepared to die, and the thought of doing something directly causing our own deaths when we could avoid doing so is unthinkable. So yes, if my life gets better, I do care. I also care if this will someday give me a massive heart attack so that nobody can revive me and force me to live a half life because of their morals. If I give myself a heart attack, and thereby avoid winding up as the little old lady in room 795 that no one ever visits, that one who's hooked up on oxygen and in so much pain she's on drugs most of the time, then great.

Even though I am beginning to see myself in a larger, more distant future, and can envision a plan that culminates years from now, I still can't imagine reaching my 70s or my 80s. The idea of making it that far secretly horrifies me. Say I fail at my secret planning, say I am forced back - if my life remains as it is now - quietly isolated, not what I want to be doing, living on the financial edge not because of splurging but because of income, well ... I don't know if I even want to make it that far. Even if I do, I have no true siblings, I don't intend to have children, and unless I die in a mangled car wreck, I'll probably outlive my family. No one is going to be there when I die.

For the record, I don't intend to fail or fall back, but that in itself adds another layer of difficulty. I only have so much emotional and mental energy to spend, and right now, since I think I am certainly depressed, that amount is lessened. Every time someone tells me I'm killing myself with the way I'm eating, I want to make rude gestures or replies. I can't handle it. Nearly all of my will is focused on fixing my life right now. With what am I supposed to take this next problem on? I've got money, career, future school and all the requirements, depression, fixing my social life, "gotta be independent" and all those general "the future" issues on my plate right now, so I'm booked. Try again later or help me out some way, 'cause I just don't have the capacity to care enough about it right now. I go through phases where I'll eat salads or where I'll totally think I'm going to try this cooking thing, but I can't hold onto that energy.

And at the same time, given my fears about meeting my untimely end in a variety of ghastly ways, a slow death by bagels and chocolate does not seem that bad.

The end result is that I seem ungrateful for the concern of others and I continue to eat cereal and sandwiches.
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work, dirty job, erk, working

Trying to Make Friends Out of Two Cats, as Told in Awful Haiku

Two lovely ladies
Each a girl of refinement
Challenges are near

It has been too long
But her day is coming soon
She sleeps, unknowing

Pearl does what she wants
She does not know what's coming
Hope it won't be war.

Cat coexistence
Can such a dream be made real?
... too soon to tell.

Pearl is now whining
For God's sake, it's not that bad!
She can't cope with it

a "cat"astrophe
interpersonal issues
what else can I say
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work, dirty job, erk, working

(no subject)

Why yes, I did stay up ridiculously late (for me on a work night) to complete a new LJ look featuring Mike Rowe, who is a fine man. I never did that whole "OMGOMGOMG" thing over the boy bands back in the day, but I think if I ever had a chance to meet Mike Rowe, I'd more than make up for it.

To bed with me.
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    nostalgic nostalgic
hatred, glower, grinding my teeth, rage, doom

I want to be Godzilla

Dear Area Drivers,

I know you have seen me signal and begin to change lanes. It would be nice if you didn't [expletive] accelerate to cut me off. I would also appreciate it if you laid off the horn, because hey, guess what? You've gotta slow down because of you.


p.s., Cutting in line at the light by driving in the lane for opposing traffic may seem like a good idea, but it won't end well some day. Just sayin'.
  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky
grumpy, annoyed, been better, blah, bothered

at least I've got the right location

It is probably no surprise that I think this dress is awesome. Too bad it costs more than I'm worth!


Candy Corn

I have been thinking about my websites quite a bit lately, and have made several changes.

First, I've taken down Linelike. I haven't been updating it for a few years now, and was more or less using it for photo storage. (Linelike is also apparently hard to hear clearly.) Accordingly my cosplay site is out for the count, but I'm okay with that. ACP and Cosplay.com are free, and have more built in networking than my little rarely updated site could ever incorporate or produce. (How often did I update that damn thing anyway? Possibly close to never?) So after days of puzzling out a new domain name (which is surprisingly hard these days), Erika came through and had the winning idea.

I've gone through and picked out my favorite photographs from 2006 to the present. You can access them at http://www.anneworks.com/works

I have also recreated my blog and its associated gallery at http://www.anneworks.com/1433.

Most of my old photography posts here on LJ don't work at this moment in time. Oh well. I'm debating whether or not it is worth the effort to go through and relink them, considering that I chose not to reupload all of them in the first place. My portfolio still needs work, and that's probably more important.

In other news, maxineofarc and I walked almost all the way around the zoo, and probably halfway through it, too. During this expedition, she said she couldn't remember me taking a single picture! I say that's odd, given how I used her as a tripod for at least two. Let's see the evidence that I finally dragged off my camera:

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I swear to God getting the last picture right was impossible and I gave up. I seriously wanted a shot where the bowling ball and tennis racket were in the air (bonus points for all three being airborne), but getting that without a tourist in the shot was not happening in my lifetime. I had to crop somebody's butt out of this shot.

I am waiting for my Dirty Jobs 4th Season box set to arrive. "I don't see what could possibly go wrong." What I want to know is this: if the 1st season has less than half of the time on it than the 2nd, 3rd and 4th all do, then why does it cost the same amount?
lonely, alone, vengeful, no words, far away

this is a new one

I'm homesick.

I figured this out not too long ago when mentions of the Steelers/Penguins actually made me feel rather nostalgic and not bored out of my mind. It really hit me today for some reason.

Me. Homesick. This is weird. I think this is probably the first time in my life. I have always wanted to get up and get out, go to a bigger city, move away, go to "someplace." Now I want to go back to Pittsburgh. I miss Pittsburgh a lot, actually.

My family took this picture a few years back:


I've got to hang on for a few years yet, and then we'll see where things are. Maybe I won't miss it anymore. I think I probably will, though. It was bigger than my hometown, older than my hometown, had lots of old buildings, and the hills were beautiful, even if they made winter interesting. I miss my local haunts and my favorite places to walk. It was nice also living within "driving distance" of my family. Six, seven hours behind the wheel I could handle. Ten to fourteen? There's just no way I can ever go home from here. I would like to see my mother and stepfather more often than I will when I live here.

Gotta try to see things through first.
silly, gamer, plunging in, Whee!, omgwtfbbq

The Good Stuff in a short version with short sentences

So I suppose I feel secure enough to admit that I managed to land a new job as a trainer/instructor for a company that teaches different software and IT thinguses.

The thing that's strange is that I think they might actually be relatively sane.

... a non-crazy workplace? Me? What? Really?

As far as I can determine, the challenges are going to be 1.) not enough instructors, so the class load builds up fast, and 2.) traveling to/from client sites.

But they're not crazy. And I'm making almost twice as much as I did in Pittsburgh. And they're not crazy. And they've bought me tatertots! (Guess I'm a cheap date after all.)

I need a new wardrobe. The only problem is I'm pretty much fashion challenged and can't wear heels 'cause 1.) my feet are wimps, and 2.) I'm going to be standing all day teaching. Any helpful hints?
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